Very few people know of my ability to mimic voices, a skill i honed during my college years. And even most of my friends and well-wishers are unaware of my links to Mossad and the ‘Diversion of Calls To A Single Source’ (DOCTASS) system Israeli intelligence gifted me on my 30th birthday in 2002. Well, I am now happy to report that the device came in very handy during the recent Telangana tangle. In fact, it was after T. Chandrashekhar Rao went on the weight-loss programme that I really put it to use. I had learnt from my sources that a top IB official had been directed by the home ministry to contact Andhra Pradesh legislators to ascertain if they were for a separate state or not. Using DOCTASS, I diverted all his calls to my phone. The hapless man made 294 calls and I declared 245 times in different voices that ‘I am all for Telangana’. Fooled by the amazing response, he filed a status report saying that “an overwhelming number of legislators were for the new state”. It was based on this assessment that Soniaji and Chidambaramji gave their midnight OK for Telangana.
Here I must admit that the plan to create the false impression of a hawa in favour of the new state was not my idea. For that I must credit my friends, the inimitable Reddy brothers of Bellary. “Telangana is a minefield you must exploit,” the brothers advised in unison and that too in F major. Now, whatever you may think of them, you have to acknowledge that the bhais know a thing or two about mines. “Brother Jaganmohan,” they said, shifting to A minor, “you have to first create an impression that the majority supports a separate Telangana and then later root for a unified Andhra Pradesh. That will surely bring some excitement into the life of our chief minister friend, K. Rosaiah.”
And yes, believe it or not, it was the brothers who also recommended that I use DOCTASS. But how on earth did the Reddys know I had the Mossad device? Well, apparently the ex-CIA operative they hired at a WalMart sale and who doubles up as a strategist tipped them off about it. Well, at the end of the day, one thing’s for sure—there’s no denying that the brothers are remarkably resourceful. Why, they even organised the anti-Telangana placards that the tdp MPs displayed in Parliament!
Anyway, that apart, the big question on everyone’s mind is what happens now? Well, it’s difficult to predict. As far as I am concerned, I am ready to do anything to keep the issue on the boil. Meanwhile, the Bellary brothers have been giving me subliminal pep talks. Taking a leaf out of BJP leader Venkaiah Naidu’s book, they have even been texting me one-liners. Here’s a sampling: “There is no gana called Telangana” or “We Reddys are ever ready for any challenge.” Quite inspirational, isn’t it?
(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)
