I better polish my dance steps because I will need them at the place where I may be sent. Thank God, I always liked Presley (‘Jailhouse Rock’ was one of my favourites). I think I’ll be working a lot more on this number in the days to come.
What a mess! The shame, the humiliation. The media once glorified me as the ‘enfant terrible’ of Indian cricket, now I have become ‘rowdy Rathore’. But I am brave enough to bear all this. What was more embarrassing were the comments of Delhi police commissioner Neeraj Kumar. I know Dilliwala English is bad but imagine a top cop repeating over and over again, “In the first over Sreesanth was alright. But he did not have his towel on when he came on for the second over.’ Can you read between the lines? Hah, man, this was a cricket field, not a strip joint. What will my numerous girlfriends think of me? I am not a Ranbir Kapoor to drop the towel at inopportune moments.
And why was everyone repeating the word ‘towel’? Cricketers take with them hankies and not towels; these are brought on the field along with drinks during the strategic timeouts. This is the worst kind of IPL bombast. What strategy were they talking about? Holding rave parties and introducing new starlets? Only Cement Srini will know about that. Look, the charges against me are plain silly. Imagine, spot-fixing! The bookies tell me to give away 14 runs in an over. But it all depends on which batsman I was bowling to. Kallis, even in the IPL, scores only in singles. Greg Maxwell is a bachcha in the IPL, sent to open the innings. Can he score 14 runs in an over? If he did, we should suspect his involvement too! Two hands are needed to make a clap and if a particular number of runs had to be scored in an over, the bowler alone could not be responsible.
As for bookies, I was never close to them. I worship only Lord Krishna, visit Guruvayur every year and how could I have anything to do with a Bookie Boss, even if he was called ‘Jupiter’, the king of Gods. I have comfortable, luxurious cars and why should I be familiar with another bookie, Manoj Metro? Jiju Janardhanan was okay but that had nothing to do with cricket. Years back, my favourite Bachchan song was ‘John Jaani Janardhan’ and I liked Jiju because he reminded me of that movie.
Everyone talks about the girls who were with me when I was arrested. So what? You should see what happens at the IPL parties and then they talk about my female companions. Big deal? Cement Srini, rolling his eyes, thundering from the TV screens that if found guilty I would be given the harshest punishment! Look who’s talking, his CSK team is illegitimate, born out of a conflict of interest. His main chamcha Dhoni is a cement vice-president. If we are tried in a court of law, a lot of this stuff will spill out. Lalit Modi ran away to London, Cement Srini will have to run and hide at the South Pole.
The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com
