Hi, or namshkar. Let me introduce myself and tell you my little ‘Knutty’ Indian story. Well, from December 2005 to February 2011 yours truly served in New Delhi. For the record, I was a filing clerk at the US embassy. But my real brief was to keep track of political/social developments in India and send regular feedback to Washington. For a man brought up in Amado, Arizona (pop. 275), I executed my task with diligence. Despite that, for some unfortunate reason, none of my dispatches have figured in Julian Assange’s Wikileaks. And since he refuses to oblige, I’ve decided to place on record some of my more remarkable observations which I believe made it to the ‘out’ tray of two US Presidents—George Bush and Barak Obama. Anyway, without any further ado let me come to the dispatches. So here goes:
Cable sent on February 1, 2011 (007 confidential): I have specific information that BJP's Sushma Swaraj (also the leader of the Opposition in the Lok Sabha) is a regular tweeter. Not just that, she practises her tweets on a notepad which she hides in her study. Access to this has yielded much vital info. For example, she proposed to send a message to Ram Gopal Varma suggesting he shoot his next horror film on the BJP. “Show us as bloggers, tweeters and apologists. We apologise for Babri Masjid. We apologise for accusing Sonia Gandhi for having black money in foreign accounts. We apologise for Gujarat. I tell you RGV, your film will give Exorcist a run for its money. That’s provided you cast that bleater Shahrukh in the lead.” Incidentally, as an afterthought, Ms Swaraj added this P.S. : “I will have to cut this to 140 characters to make it tweetworthy. Also, cast SRK in 140 roles to make it that much tweet.”
Cable sent on June 5, 2009 (0007 confidential): In the south they may like idli-sambar, but up north it’s still dal-roti. I have intelligence that Indian politicians eat their own words and kebabs in their spare time.
Cable sent on March 18, 2006 (00007 confidential): RJD leader Laloo Prasad Yadav likes chaat (a form of street food) and talk about cricket. He is however unaware that cricket is also an insect. It’s not just him. A recent opinion poll among Indian Parliamentarians by our own Murugan and Slowly showed that 60 per cent MPs do not know that cricket is related to the grasshopper and comes in 2,400 varieties.
Cable sent on December 2007 (000007): Indian politicians have a tendency of making tall promises to the electorate. They also distribute fake currency notes to win votes. And that’s not all. They also boast about it to CIA operatives who pretend to be filing clerks.
(Finally, before I sign out, I must admit that my dispatches will not surprise any Indian. But in our business one is taught to think of the ordinary as extraordinary. That’s what makes us relevant. Anyway, for more mundane leaks about why Indian commies think they are red injuns and the like, visit tom@knutcase.com. Happy reading...)
(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)
