From Dehumanisation To Catfishing, The Many Experiences Of An Asexual Woman Of Online Dating

If you are someone who is reading to understand what an ace means, let me help you with that. Ace is the short for asexual individual. I am an asexual woman and I have used three major dating apps that have helped me find dates, friends, and different experiences. 

As someone who is interested in having a love life, I used a few apps to understand how online dating works. My profile was simple. It showed how I look, what I am interested in, what my affiliations are and how I am. There were certain behavioral patterns that I noticed on dating apps. If I mentioned that I am an author, I got more matches. Mentioning my asexuality on bio often led to more messages and matches. However, these were often transphobic and misinformed comments. For instance, an individual studying medicine met me for a date and said, “These days, every girl is either bisexual, asexual, or pansexual. It’s a trend.” During our discussion which later turned futile, it turned out that he was fetishising the LGBTQIA+ community. He chose to ask if I was abused as a child which is very common question I hear from cis-het men on these apps. 

I matched with some women and they preferred to google what asexuality is before swiping right on me. Luckily, I met few people from the community too and became friends. However, in my opinion, dating apps remain a field of allosexuals, mainly men who often swipe right without reading profiles in the hope of matches. I matched with few ace men who were eager to marry as soon as possible. For them, having an asexual mate matters rather than compatibility and connection. One fellow told me to stay in the closet to find a husband. 

The A in the LGBTQIA+ 

The dating apps are the reflection of larger Indian society where folks are still unaware about asexuality. Many confused it with being intersex and trans and this unleashed the worst of transphobia on me — often by cis-het men who believed that all the labels are same and there is something wrong with being trans. 

The dehumanisation of trans and intersex folks still remains an important issue for the community. I refused to clarify whether I am trans or not as I believed that there is nothing wrong with being trans or intersex. However, the obsessive questions, cyberbullying, and harassment made me block a few men for my safety. 

For others, asexuality equals to bisexuality. I am yet to contemplate the reason behind such notions as the individuals I have dealt with often fetishised bisexual women and expected them to engage in different acts without the consideration of their consent. 

Another challenge for me on dating apps was the fact that many hypersexual men saw me as a challenge, someone who should be won, and someone who should be rescued or fixed by their sexual interests. One guy claimed that he can turn me straight and he loves a challenge. Another mentioned that he would appreciate my asexuality as he “can do it with me whenever he wants”. 

Mistake of mentioning Gothic culture 

I am fond of Goth aesthetic and culture but it turned out to be a huge mistake to mention that on dating apps. From getting asked about BDSM where the consent was not considered as I believe the men involved in such conversations equate BDSM to simply hitting women to being told that all the queers are demons, 

I have faced it all. Many fetishised goth women and believed that I will be available for them 24x7 while they knew nothing about gothic culture or aesthetics. 

The political catfishing 

Political catfishing refers to pretending to be of a different political ideology than their actual ideology to manipulate individuals. It is commonly done by right-wing men to gain access to the details of left-leaning women. It is a safety hazard. 

One may need to be careful about discussing or mentioning their political ideology on these apps for their own safety. Plenty of men mentioned “Left” or “moderate” but started bullying and harassing me when I expressed my opinions regarding minority rights or same-sex marriage. One advocate who claimed to be Leftist turned out to be a member of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS). One man showed up on a date and started picking arguments then told me, “You know, I added Left to my profile to meet s***s like you.” 

As someone whose basic rights are violated everyday by right-wingers in different parts of life, online dating made it worse by the political catfishes who would show up to gaslight, fight, and argue while they victimise themselves to abuse you. This reminded me of someone I dated back in 2021 who would aggressively behave transphobic and get offended when I told him that he is dehumanising a group of people — the way to get instantly dumped by me. 

Political catfishing refers to pretending to be of a different political ideology than their actual ideology to manipulate individuals. It is commonly done by right-wing men to gain access to the details of left-leaning women. It is a safety hazard. 

Fatphobia and casteism 

Fatphobia, just as I face on social media apps, remained something integral of my dating experience. As someone who was thin before, the fatphobia made me realise that pretty privilege exist and the beauty standards do not consider fat women as pretty. 

Many folks started unsolicited weight-loss advice on these apps within minutes of matches. Many told me that I would look prettier if I lost few kilograms or if I exercised daily and if I ate a bit less. The assumptions about fat individuals remained at the center of this behavior. There were three types of individuals on these places: 

1.    Who fetishise fat women and make you feel that they are doing a favour by dating you 
2.    Who match with you to body-shame or mock you 
3.    An amalgamation of the first two who want to hang out with you in private for fetish reasons and have a thin, prettier partners in the public sphere 

It is not that people do not want to date fat people. It is the lack of respect that makes it hard for fat individuals to find someone dateable. 

After continuous trolling by right-wingers, I hid my name on the apps —both first and last names— for my safety. This often led to the assumption that I am a DBA —Dalit, Bahujan, Adivasi— individual. This showed me the worse of people’s “curiosity” regarding a person’s caste identity. I was asked about my surname, my gotra, whether the grooms sit on a horse or not in our marriages, whether it happens during the day or not — anything that could be a marker of one’s caste. Many also flaunted their caste pride in their bios. 

What do men want? 

The question arises: What do men on these dating apps want? 

In the span of last three years with three different apps, my experience remained similar. What are men looking for in these apps? Are they sure that they are acting right? A systematically oppressive society like ours views women as products that can be categorised in different sections. I was told that I was marriage material because I am chaste. Then I was told by others that I will die alone if I will not do hook-ups. I was slut-shamed by the right-wingers looking for hook-ups on the same apps. 

The larger question arises: Is there any winning for women and queer individuals in dating world if they end up dating men? Is there any winning in society? How can lack of awareness can be combatted if a large section of Indian men refuse to understand that women and queer individuals are humans? Is whore-Madonna complex going to end in popular culture any time soon?

(Views expressed are personal.)