Thakur Amar Singh

Surprise! Surprise! Guess who called late last night? Julian Assange! The Wikileaks man had apparently heard of my huge collection of CDs of tapped phone calls and was keen to know if I could share it with him. “Mr Assange,” I said, “sorry, this is something I want to gift to the nation. You must have heard of the Lincoln library and the Eisenhower library. Well, India will soon have the Amar Singh library.” But, despite my no, Assange was not the kind to give up. “Through a platform like Wikileaks you could wipe out the government and smear the reputation of many politicians. Together we could create many a storm in a tea cup. And I can assure you, we will get coverage in the leading newspapers across the world.” Well, I liked this man’s persuasiveness but, take it from me, for Amar Singh the nation comes first. Anyway, I hung up and immediately called Abhishekji (Amitji was busy shooting yet another ad film) to ask him about Assange’s offer. But I soon realised I should not have phoned him since these days his reply to any query is “I have no idea”. Sanjay Dutt was a tad more helpful. “Forget Assange-Vassange. I suggest you write a primer on tapping, the ‘CD Baat For Dummies’. Amarsinghji, we need a nation where every citizen hears the other’s phone calls.”

I thanked Sanjubaba for his insight. But then I thought of what Assange had told me. Indeed, I have not quite shared what is there in my vast collection of phone taps. (Incidentally, Jayapradaji, when I discussed it with her, thought I was referring to bathroom fittings and couldn’t figure out how CDs came into the picture). Anyway, that apart, what I have in my kitty are 80,000 real conversations and 20,000 fabricated ones. The last lot is thanks to a team of imaginative young women who call themselves the Splice Girls. They cut and paste different conversations to produce dhamakedar end-products. In fact, the girls are behind the Bhushan CD which is creating tidal storms in the Lokpal nation’s chai cup. Interestingly, the Splice Girls have created one conversation where Manmohan Singh seeks Soniaji’s permission to eat breakfast before lunch and supper late at night. She on her part says the nac will have to deliberate on an issue of such national importance!

While several netas have been fixed on my CDs, there are several everyday conversations that will interest sociologists. Like a Noida housewife hollering at her grocer for delivering tea instead of Surf. “My maid’s been washing for the last hour and has stained all the clothes,” she says. My all-time favourite, though, is a schoolboy imitating me and threatening a fellow student. “This is Amar Singh speaking. If you don’t back off from Sahil, then I will tap all your phones and your father’s phones and release the transcripts through the school magazine.” Well, I always knew I had arrived. But that last-mentioned conversation convinced me: I am of the stuff tapping legends are made of....

(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)