Once considered a promising young actress, Lindsay Lohan's fanbase has now shrunk to the seedypaparazzi who avidly chronicle her arrests for drunk driving, cocaine possession, stints at rehab, and a checkered personal life that's earned her the sobriquet 'Hohan'. A previous role in a Robert Altman film briefly elevated her from the tabloid trashcans, but this cinematic atrocity, for which she's been awarded two Worst ActressRazzies, has plonked her right back in there.
Lohan stars as Aubrey Fleming, a rich, supposedly talented piano player and aspiring writer, the apple of her parents' eye and frustratingly chaste object of her jock boyfriend Jerrod's (Brian Gerahty) lust. Until, one fateful evening, she gets kidnapped by a serial killer and spirited to his dank grotto, where he soaps her with dry ice and carves up her limbs with blue glass surgical implements. A scene so grotesque and gratuitously violent, that I, and the two other people in the movie hall, only subjected ourselves to its soundtrack: an interminable crunching and cracking, punctuated by a strangled keening noise, some of which came from right behind me.
A week later, Aubrey turns up left for dead on the side of the road, and awakes in a hospital, with some missing extremities. On discovering this, both she and her mother (played with icky earnestness by Julia Ormond) react with breathily exclaimed Oh-my-gahds, while the father (Neal McDonough) merely narrows his eerie blue eyes in an effort to look pained. Their anguish deepens when she claims she's not their daughter, but Dakota Moss, exotic dancer and crack-addict's daughter. Cue flash-back scene with her freckled, gartered rear-end thrusting about a pole, surrounded by the obligatory pack of salivating slobs--predictably, the only scene Lohan plays with some relish.
While this revelation isn't quite to the taste of her parents or the monumentally stupid FBI agents following the case, her boyfriend has little to complain about her new persona: a chain-smoking, cussing minx who doesn't let a plug-in robotic leg come in the way of her rampant libido. If that doesn't sound absurd enough, wait till you see the ludicrous supernatural "twist", and absurd dénouement featuring all the staple clichés of horror-cheese: gothicky castle framed against lightning strikes, hooting owls, whispery voices, and a strange villain with blunted affect banging discordantly on the piano. Watch only if you'd like to keep Lohan company in the torture scenes.
High Fives
Bollywood
1. Taare Zameen Par
2. Sunday
3. Rama Rama Kya Hai Dramaaa
4. Welcome
5. Halla Bol
Hollywood
1. The Eye
2. 27 Dresses
3. Meet the Spartans
4. Rambo
5. Cloverfield
Videoclip Tracks
1. Love Song
2. Low (Flo Rida featuring T-Pain)
3. Sensual Seduction (Snoop Dogg)
4. Independent (Webbie, Lill'Phat & Lill'Bossie)
5. Suffocate (J. Holiday)
Courtesy: Film Information
