The letters pages of Outlook receive my special attention. Not only am I educated by readers’ response, which goes from abuse to reprimand to exasperation to beautifully argued disputation, but I frequently laugh aloud at the wit, style and arcane knowledge of the respondents. My first task when I arrive in the morning, and it is the best part of my day, is to go through readers’ e-mails, postcards and letters and see what has offended or amused them. On an average, I receive around 75 letters a day. More than half are unusable. I have a rule: You can ferociously attack the Editor-in-Chief as long as you leave his dog alone. Buttering him up is not a good idea if you want your letter printed. Outlook’s assistant editor, Manisha Saroop, who supervises the pages, has added to their depth and gaiety. Keep the arrows coming.
—VM
The Government
Whoever said this was right. Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
Sunanda D., Hyderabad, (Nov 10, 2003)
‘Don’t steal, the government hates competition’.
Adil Modi, Mumbai, (Jan 27, 2003)
The choices before the electorate: Ram raj, Rome raj, Uncle Sam Raj, Sham Raj, Scam Raj, Yam Raj,.
Som Benegal, New Delhi, (Feb 16, 1998)
If India were a three-wheeler, this could have been the end to all its problems:
Repair the J&K Tyre,
Remove the Modi one,
Have a Good Year.
Bharatram Gaba, Mumbai, (Feb 10, 2003)
Democracy, a government of the people, by the people, for the people? In India, it’s off the people, buy the people and for the politicians.
Syed A. Rawoof, on e-mail, (May 14, 2001)
Politicians
In AD 1000, it was Mahmud Ghazni who plundered India; in AD 2000, it is Jayalalitha.
Baldev S. Chauhan, Shimla(Jan 1, 1997)
What do Manmohan and a Rolls Royce have in common? Both can run five km just on market reputation.
Rajneesh Batra, New Delhi, (Jun 6, 2005)
Please don’t put Sonia on your cover. I can’t read the rest of the magazine.
Farida Lakdawala, on e-mail (May 10, 1999)
A great psychiatrist died and went to Heaven. At the pearly gates, he was given a red-carpet welcome and received by Christ, Krishna, Buddha and others. When he asked what all the fuss was about, he was told: "We’ve been waiting for someone like you. We want you to examine a patient called God, who thinks he’s Bal Thackeray and wants to ban Fire even in hell."
Brig N. Grant, Pune, (Jan 18, 1999)
A series of yatras and L.K. Advani scaled new peaks in politics. One yatra to Pakistan and he’s nearly driven into political wilderness!
Nagaraj Shenoy, Bangalore, (Jul 11, 2005)
Next time Narendra Modi applies for a US visa, grant it anon. But on one condition: that he stay there. Lalit Mohan, Gurgaon, (Apr 18, 2005)
Bihar
Students, doctors, wives, policemen... Can’t someone kidnap those politicians in Bihar? Pleeeease.
Vinaya Srinivas, on e-mail, (Feb 21, 2005)
Forget J&K, give Bihar autonomy first.
Yasir Abbasi, New Delhi, (Aug 7, 2000)
Cows
Politicians really do believe the cow is their mother; they display all the collective intelligence of a herd of bulls in a China shop.
B. Purkayastha, Shillong, (Mar 24, 2003)
Sure, it’s the land of Krishna, but save me from his cows in Bangalore. Why just cows, even Yama’s vahana, the great Indian buffalo.
Binu Radhakrishnan, Bangalore, (Oct 27, 2003)
Religion
Just saw Outlook proclaiming God is Back. Hey, man, I never went nowhere! Where were you, old buddy?
God, (Sep 4, 2000)
Caught Ya!
We published these pics, but it’s the readers who spotted the real news-value in them!
Harsh P. Singh, by e-mail Keshubhai Patel in Nikes
Sharmila Kamat, Goa While others go barefoot at a samadhi, Sonia & son tread well-shod
Akshay Kumar, Calcutta Comrades on the dais drinking Coca-Cola
Reservations
Manmohan Singh to Bush: I say, we are sending Indians to the moon next year. Bush: Gee, really? ’ow many?
Manmohan: 100. 25 obcs, 25 SCs, 20 STs, 5 handicapped, 5 sportspeople, 5 terrorism-affected, 5 Kashmiri migrants, 9 politicos and, if possible, 1 astronaut.Tarun Vijay, by e-mail, (Jun 26, 2006)
Judiciary
Wealth is an anagram of the law. Hence the courts’ leniency towards the rich and famous.
Soli Canteenwala, Mumbai, (Nov 4, 2002)
America
Is it true that the new slogan of the US department of tourism is ‘Visit America before America Visits You’?
Vikrant Nath, on e-mail (Apr 28, 2003)
The Kosovo crisis is cooling off. God help Saddam.
Jayant Gaur, on e-mail, (Jun 28, 1999)
Clinton
Were I his legal advisor, I’d sue Pfizer and Nike for selling him the current American dream: Have Viagra and Just Do It.
Jayant Gaur, on e-mail, (Sep 2, 1998)
Prince CharlesGood thing he’s marrying Camilla Parker-Bowles. That constipated monarchy could do with a bit of Bowles movement!
Lalit Mohan, Gurgaon, (Mar 14, 2005)
Musharraf
"Kashmir runs in our blood," says the general. Trouble is, who’ll do the blood test?
Ramesh Negi, New Delhi, (Feb 18, 2002)
Who says Musharraf is against general elections? He has just held an election and a general has been elected!
Vikram Vasu, Glasgow, (Feb 18, 2002)
MNCs
Every cloud comes to India with a silver lining as standard accessory. Eat Cadbury’s, then wash down its worms with pesticides from Coke and Pepsi.
Bharatram Gaba, Mumbai, (Nov 3, 2003)
Cricket
Overheard in a restaurant: "We have the best cricket team in the world, we just can’t play."
Navroze Contractor, Bangalore
BCCI
That was a wonderful group photo of ‘BCCI reps from the states’. Can we call for another one, and shoot them one at a time, this time with a gun?
Pradeep Roy, Chennai, (May 8, 2000)
Match-FixingNever again will I watch cricket, hands clasped in prayer, feverishly hoping India will win. Never.
Nikhil Shah, on e-mail, (May 8, 2000)
Sex
Eves Do It Too, you say. It’s like the wedding anniversary card that read: ‘Staying single is chic. Divorce is in vogue. Living together is common. And here you are, Happily Married...Kinky!’
Tara Kaushal, on e-mail, (May 26, 2003)
Outlook’s going the Reliance way. Kabhi Debonair, Kabhi Filmfare.
Danish Iqbal, Aligarh, (Jun 2, 2003)
Khushwant Singh
Paaji, you got the wrong end of the tract. It wasn’t an endoscopy you went through, but a colonoscopy.Lakshman Singh, on e-mail, (Jul 2, 2007)
Won’t be surprised if the old man has his obit ready. But not any time soon. For the moment, he looks all set to make a century.
Tarlok Singh, New Delhi, (Jul 2, 2007)
Glorious Gaffes
Even Homer nods! Some Outlook goof-ups its alert readers have pointed out
Never heard of a turmeric ‘tree’ before, even a rare one. Or is the Adi Ganga sopolluted that the turmeric plant’s mutated into a tree?
Divya Pal Singh, Mathura, (Aug 15, 2005)
It’s a good idea for Mrs Deve Gowda to visit the Niagara Falls from Harare (andRome?), suggests VM in his diary. Where does he think the Niagara Falls are? VM promptlyapologised: "Grateful for the correction. It should be Victoria Falls."
S.M. Khursheed, Calcutta, (Jan 1, 1997)
Offered a Coca Cola after he had inaugurated a Coke plant in Georgia, EduardSchevardnadze had commented, ‘It tastes just like Pepsi Cola’. Outlookdoes the same—captions a Fanta (a Coke product) road show as a ‘Pepsievent’.
Deepak Sapra, Jamalpur, (Jul 3, 1996)
Hemawati Gomango, you reporte,d is 30, is said to have campaigned for her husband for thelast 20 years whom she married 12 years ago. Wonder how?
M.P. Jhosi, Jhansi, (Oct 18, 1999)
A rare gem from Outlook: "He was to retire on Feb 31, ’97!" Feb 31?
Bhanu Sampat, Calcutta, (Jul 23, 1997)
How easily Outlook curtails the life of a century. The first century commencedon 1.1.0001 and ended on 31.12.0100, not on 31.12. 0099. Likewise the 20th century endsnot on 31.12.99 but on 31.12.2000.
P.S. Ramakutty, New Delhi
Ms El Nino, Mr Mehta? Doesn’t El Nino mean ‘The Boy’ in Spanish?
Sreeni R., New Delhi, (Jan 26, 1998)
Want to meet the printer’s devil in Penguin India who made a ‘coffin’ of asimple ‘shroud’ in Pavan Varma’s translation of Kaifi Azmi’s poetry.Look what he did to the word: shroud, shared, shaved, chaff, chiffon, caffeine, coughing,coffin!
T.R. Parmeshwar, on e-mail, (Mar 5, 2001)
Outlook says the human sperm has no nucleus. If found to be true, this mustsurely be the greatest discovery of the millennium. You could well recommend the authorfor this year’s Nobel!
Dr Shivashankar, Bangalore, (Aug 21, 2000)
Outlook announces the arrival of the one man responsible for vanquishingprobably the most innovative computer companies ever, Bill Gates, with the pet font of theGoliath’s David? A Mac font!
Amit Kumar, New Delhi, (Mar 19, 1997)
Your Aizawl diarist Indivar Kamtekar says he was woken up at 4 am by a crowing cock and hewoke up planning revenge—chicken curry for dinner. But the accompanying illustrationshows a crow instead of a cock. Did Kamtekar end up eating the wrong stew?
Paul Mathew, on e-mail, (Jul 18, 2005)
Isn’t it a gale and not gail force, Mr Mehta?
Alpana, New Delhi, (Aug 29, 2005)
Apropos your logo for the Bharatpur diary. As far as I know, flamingos never come toBharatpur. The Siberian crane would have been more appropriate.
Poonam Kaul, Delhi
Did you send India Today in an Outlook envelope?
Irfan A. Siddiqui, Faizabad, (Nov 6, 2000)
Lahore Dairy? Outlook’s sure going the milky way.
Sameer Momaya, on e-mail, (Jul 5, 1999)
Indian Journalism
Overheard at the IIC bar: "The challenge today before the newspaper management is how to eliminate the editor in editorial matters."
K. Bikram Singh, New Delhi, (Jul 27, 1998)
Film Reviews
It was K.A. Abbas, I think, who some 30 years ago, wrote this in Blitz:
Name of the movie: So and so
Cast: So and so
Music: So and so
Direction: So and so
Produced by: mistake
M.K. Samdani, Hyderabad, (Dec 1, 2003)
BooksRating James Joyce’s "linguistically innovative" Ulysses as this century’s best book reminds me of Jean Cocteau’s timeless quote: "The greatest masterpiece in literature is only a dictionary out of order."
Krishna Pillai, Chennai, (Aug 17, 1998)
Of course, Manjula Padmanabhan would find Mulk Raj Anand’s stories dated. The book she thinks is his latest was first published 33 years ago.
Meenakshi Mukherjee, Delhi, (Jul 19, 1999)
Arundhati Roy
Reading her piece in The Guardian, I was confronted with a strange feeling. I felt exposed as an Indian.
Anupam Kher, Mumbai, (Aug 17, 1998)
Arundhati isn’t an architect for nothing. The bricks are loaded on one side in baroque style.
Malathi Rao, Bangalore, (Aug 17, 1998)
Her true genius lies in having located the West’s literary G-Spot, and titillating it.Ranjith Thomas, on e-mail, (Feb 11, 2002)
Editor, The Dog
As a proverb ‘love me, love my dog’ is all very fine. But to inflict it on his readers, that’s asking for too much, Mr Editor.
P. Dasgupta (Jun 12, 2006)
For heaven’s sake, Vinod, get him a wife!Wendy Chaves, Mumbai, (Jun 12, 2006)
Sometime back, VM in his diary professed reluctance to tell his readers his canine’s breed. Since he found him in a roadside ditch, why not call him a ‘Roadesian?Rajeshwari Singh, on e-mail, (Aug 6, 2007)
High Brows
Some eminences who have graced the Letters pages
A case is being made out that Shri Bhabani Sengupta resigned from the PMO because ofunreasonable and unfounded criticism by me during a discussion in the Lok Sabha. While itis true that I did participate in the discussion, it’s entirely incorrect to suggestI indulged in McCarthyism. The PM had the option of defending his appointee in the House,but he chose not to do so. Instead, he accepted his resignation. This itself answers thequestions that are now being raised.
A.B. Vajpayee, Jun 4, 1997
I was astonished to read your article on my candidacy for the UN secretary-generalship.Given that it is so obviously malicious and single-sourced, I would not have reacted, butI realise my not doing so would be unfair to a journal that I hold in high regard.I’ve never been remotely ‘petulant’ on my candidature. My conversationswith Nick Burns in particular have been entirely pleasant. The insinuation that heconsiders me a ‘political lightweight’ is without foundation. Worse, yourcorrespondent’s statement querying my remaining in the race is bizarre, because hisargument would make any election unnecessary, since apparently only the ultimate winnershould compete in any race.
Shashi Tharoor, New York, Oct 30, 2006
In Vinod Mehta’s optimistic overview of current trends in India, I emerge as adoleful hand-wringer who "laments" that India has "fallen prey" toconsumerism. Not so. Lamenting was something I was careful not to do. Who am I, cosilyensconced in north London, to start tut-tutting about richer ways of living in India?
Ian Jack, former editor, Granta, Jan 15, 1997
You have published more than a dozen readers’ letters about my recent book Libertyor Death, describing it variously as ‘blasphemous’,‘Pak-sponsored’, ‘dumb’, and ‘filth’. I, meanwhile, am foundto be a shallow-minded attention-monging [sic] idiot’ with a ‘perverted Westernmind’ suffering from ‘colonial bias’. Although I have no complaints aboutthe way Outlook chose to serialise my book, the use of my brief charactersketches of Gandhi and Jinnah has perhaps been a distraction from my central purpose. WhatI have attempted to do in my book is to analyse events of the 1940s, and to examine thedecisions which led to India’s independence and the creation of Pakistan.
Patrick French, London, Sep 8, 1997
