How To Love Unconditionally

(Love is our deepest value: Love is freedom, love is salvation. If love tears us apart, it also keeps us alive. No matter what, love finds a way, almost always. Going against the grimy grain of contemporary political discourse, we have declared 2022 to be the year of love: for us, talking about love in a time of hatred is a revolutionary act. Outlook's issue revisited The Beatles’ words of wisdom: “All You Need Is Love.” What’s more, we will publish love stories all year long. The next full moon, which falls on February 16, is all set to put under the spotlight our passions, our romantic quests. On Valentine’s Day, we feature a curated selection of love stories that will tug at your heartstrings.)

“Mumma, you are not supposed to talk to me like this. You are being very rude. Why are you sitting and reading? Go in the kitchen and prepare something,” said my 12-year-old daughter. I looked at her in astonishment. Speechless, to say the least. I gathered my strength and reminded her that this was not the way a child was supposed to talk. She did not respond and just left the room banging the door behind. I sat down, taken aback. There were several questions in my mind. Was it the right way a child should have spoken? Was it the way a child should show love to her parent? Was that the right way of parenting? Did I fail in my parenting? Was this love?

This is the love story of a mother and her two adorable kids. The kids who mean everything to her. Her life, her priority, her thoughts and ideas are all kids- centric.

I was born in a humble middle-class family. Both my parents were in the teaching profession. Right since my childhood, we were surrounded by books. They were our best friends. Our love. And they still are. 

One of the few things my brother and I were instructed to follow quite early in our lives was to respect others and to be financially independent as soon as possible. Like any other middle-class family, this was the dictum that had to be followed. And we obediently did.

After completing 14 years of my professional stint, I decided to quit. I had two kids to look after and care for. I did not listen to all my well-wishers, including my better half, and I resigned from my services. I had always followed my heart and I did it again. And, yes, I had a heart filled with love.

Initially, it was difficult as I had been used to giving instructions to my help on phone. Soon, the scene changed. I got busy in doing most of the chores by myself as I loved my kids. Since there was only one “earning” member in the family now, I had to say goodbye to my permanent help. 

I left my prestigious job to look after my kids as they mean everything to me. They have always been my priority. I love them more than myself: It was the sane when I was professionally engaged and even now when I am a “homemaker”. 

My kids are small, vulnerable and naive. They need protection. They need to be carefully oriented and trained. I need to inculcate a sense of right and wrong into them. They need to be loved. They need their mother: motherhood, after all, is a symbol of love. An unconventional, selfless and non-judgemental love. These were some of reasons for me leaving my well-paying job.

I went back to my daughter and looked at her. I asked her the reason for speaking to me the way she did. She was very clear. She said that a parent needed to behave in a certain manner. But I never got an answer whether a child could be so rude and without proper manners while addressing her parent, especially to a mother. 

It is often said that you should practice what you preach. Growing up as a teenager, there were several questions that I wanted to ask my mother, but I didn’t have the courage to ask. I was shy, hesitant and never knew how my mother would react. I loved her and I still do. I was taught to be disciplined, talking to elders with respect and steering clear of “taboo” topics.

To me, love and respect are parts of the same coin. If you love someone, you have got to respect that person. Being apologetic is also a part of that process.

I often feel we are the last generation who are respectful towards our parents and elders. The young generation has enjoyed all the comforts of life without being part of the real struggle. 

Noble laureate Rabindranath Tagore had once said, “Every child comes with a message that God is still not discouraged of man.” God is not discouraged as humanity does exist and so do good human beings, who tell us the difference between right and wrong and protect us from adversity. They are selfless and want to give back to the society. The only thing they want from the society is love and respect. As a good human being, I have forgiven my daughter. That’s what love, the greatest healer, is all about: To forgive and, sometimes, to forget.

(Kaveri Mishra has been a banker for more than 10 years and is currently a proud homemaker. Views expressed in this article are personal and may not necessarily reflect the views of Outlook Magazine)