The Pick-Up Manual

• Don’t act desperate: not for her phone number, not for a coffee date, and most certainly not for ‘frandship’
• Befriend her pals first. Then, anoint one of them as wingman to lay a foundation you can build on
• Look into her eyes, but remember, you’re not checking for contact lenses
• Move in from the side, where she can see you. Don’t accost her or surprise her with a creepy tap on the back.
• Don’t fidget with your fancy phone too much, even if you’re Googling for conversation starters or compliments
• Don’t read too much into signs, especially when there are none

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“Are you a great kisser? Can you teach clueless young men to kiss?” Ladies, if you said yes to that, you could be the kissing coaches Real Man Academy has been scouting for. The Mumbai-based academy that enlightens men on the art of approaching, attracting and seducing women has advertised for two lady coaches who can pucker up and help students graduate from back-of-the-hand kissing practice to the real thing. That, in addition to a comprehensive training manual which academy founder Shiva, a software engineer, has worked out with the precision of a computer program: multimedia presentations, anatomical models, interactive role play, real models and, of course, “course material”.

If Shiva’s 500-strong student register (most of them aged between 22 and 32 years) is anything to go by, dating has come a long way from that coy tryst orchestrated by friends on Valentine’s Day, away from the prying eyes of parents and neighbours. The young and the restless today dismiss all that bygone bosh as tedious foreplay. Online dating portals now allow you to discreetly sign up for potential relationships, group dating services introduce you to like-minded people in the company of friends to avoid awkward moments, while mobile dating hooks you up with a simple sms (Indiatimes’ mobiDate service has as many as a million users, mostly in the 16-30 age bracket). Reality show hosts dole out dating gyan, while advertisers woo you with pocket money-friendly meals to keep your multiple dates happy. Yes, the young Indian ‘dater’ has swaggered in. For those still schlepping about, bonafide dating consultants are happy to help.

Illustration by Sorit

In Real Man Academy’s Attraction Workshop, for instance, students have to approach and chat up two models. The girls then give the prospective daters feedback on voice and body language. Next, the students get a thorough-going makeover, before they are pushed into real-life situations with regular women who may be shopping, walking, having coffee, browsing in bookstores, or hanging out in groups. “They learn how to approach a woman, start a conversation, create attraction and ultimately get her phone number, without creeping her out,” says Shiva. All this while he keeps a hawk’s eye on his proteges’ progress. Again, his self-explanatory Lovemaking Workshop makes Don Juans of regular men using life-size mannequins. Each workshop comes with a tag of Rs 8,800, and a weekend bootcamp costs Rs 18,000, but these are lessons in love that a hot-blooded young man can’t really pay too much for. Ask Nitin (name changed), a 32-year-old businessman, who insists that his first real relationship has finally materialised thanks to the bootcamp that tore down his mental blocks. “I couldn’t seek advice from friends because they would make a joke of it. When I saw an ad offering professional help, I went for it.”

This isn’t the only seduction school running full house. Vicky Kalwani, a financial consultant who moved to Mumbai from London last year, turned full-time dating guru eight months ago, and is already juggling appointments. One in 10 of his clients is a girl, sometimes even a would-be bride. Vicky’s courtship commandments start off with grooming and wardrobe, including a gym routine. “Then, it’s on to a bar, nightclub or coffee shop with one to three students for a practical lesson. I help them approach people and break the ice and as they get comfortable, I observe them and offer my inputs later,” he reveals. Most of his clients are young professionals in demanding jobs. Many let shyness get the better of them, and even keep their real names to themselves. “Sometimes it is embarrassing for them to admit they need help,” he says. And to overcome their social handicap, they’re willing to shell out Rs 10,000 for a one-week theory course and Rs 30,000 for hands-on coaching for a month.

Seekers Membership of new dating sites prove dating isn’t a big city affair anymore. (Photograph by Amit Haralkar)

While most students come looking for a headstart in the mating game, at DateSutra in Pune, Swapnil Kamat and Rishad DeCruz ensure that romantic overtures have a definite purpose—marriage. So if frivolous flirtation is your style, you won’t even make the cut into their workshops, designed to turn men into that suitable boy every bride wants. “My client would be someone registered on a matrimonial site, who is about to meet women he can settle down with,” says Swapnil. And all he would need is a day’s leave from work—the workshops, starting soon, will be 10 am-to-6 pm affairs, at Rs 2,000 per person.

But in case you’re wondering if charm can be an acquired skill, ‘Superstud’, a reality show on UTV Bindass, would lay all doubts to rest. At this televised ‘School of Flirt’, 13 contestants learnt how to sweep women off their feet through tasks and discussions. Their worldly-wise tutor, actor Ashmit Patel, even shared with the three finalists a little black book of dating secrets, now a mobile app called Superstud Blackbook. Karan Chhabra, winner of the show and a regular dater (he candidly confesses he’s not in it for commitment just yet), is already putting his new-found wisdom to use. “I’ve learnt that women should be treated gently and with respect. The best way to get her attention the first time you meet is to use the shock-and-awe technique.” Huh? He explains, “I told a girl, ‘I’m here to arrest you because you’ve killed someone.’ That jolted her into attention; then I explained, ‘I’m the first person you killed with your looks’.” Can’t argue with that—he aced ‘Superstud’, remember? Guru Ashmit casts an approving eye: “Young people are more confident and open to displaying affections, even in smaller cities where they walk hand-in-hand, and hug on the streets.”

Ashmit’s spot on: dating is hardly a big-city phenomenon today. Take Arjun Sawhney’s word for it. He launched DateDosti.com, an asli Indian dating site, two months ago and it has already registered 40,000 members from “each and every corner of India, from Kashmir to Andaman and Nicobar Islands to Mizoram and Rajasthan”. He plans to hold speed dates and group dating meets for members soon. It’s a similar list of unlikely dating hotspots that Tarun Davda, vice-president and country head of Ignighter.com, a group dating site, rattles off: “Ludhiana, Bhopal, Vijayawada, Baroda, Thanjavur, Varanasi, Vellore, Valsad, Mathura, Chitradurga, Madurai, Haridwar, Sangli and Tumkur.” Soon after its launch in 2008, New York-based Ignighter.com hit the spot for Indian lonely hearts, who signed up with such urgency that the founders decided to set up shop in the country. So, this summer, Mumbai got a core team handling Ignighter’s Indian operations—2.5 million users and counting. As Arjun explains, “Every young person now wants a partner, and if you don’t have one, you’re a loser.” Everybody’s dating, especially high school kids. Tarun adds, “People are delaying marriages, more women are entering the workforce and love marriages are gaining acceptance. They are getting used to the idea of being in relationships before marriage.”

VJ Andy, who hosts Dare2Date and Date My Folks on Channel V—two of a whole bunch of TV shows based on dating—would agree. “On Dare2Date, a traditional Punjabi girl kissed her date at the end of the episode, which I found shocking, as it is unacceptable where she comes from. There have also been instances where young people have come on the show, though their families were not okay with it, as we found out later.”

But despite the desire to mingle, the Indian dater, says Andy, is apprehensive: “He’s new to the scene and is looking in every direction to learn more.” Of course, almost every signage points to Bollywood: Andy calls it “the Bollywoodisation of romance, which hardly matches up to reality”.

What’s commendable though, he says, is that romancers are willing to put themselves up for rejection. Perhaps because there’s not too much at stake. As Tarun says, “We recently conducted customer focus group surveys and got insights on perceptions of Indian youth on dating and relationships. Relationships are more porous than they used to be. The general thought is, ‘When life doesn’t come with guarantees, why expect that from relationships? Enjoy the present...enjoy while it lasts!’” Now, if only those smooch coaches would hurry up.