As the world knows, I have made it abundantly explicit that the RSS must take over the BJP. But then who takes over the RSS? Good question. Luckily, I have drawn up a plan of action with the help of consultants from Stranded & Not So Poor and Meryll & His Lynchpins. Our proposal has the approval of the World Bank, the IMF and the gas agency run by one industrialist and the bijliwala who is on call for his younger brother. Incidentally, all of them gave their signed approval following a high-profile meeting at the Juhu Centaur (one of the hotels I sold during my tenure as disinvestment minister in the Vajpayee government).
So, without much further ado, let me unveil the takeover strategy: like any PSU, the RSS too must be put up for sale. In fact, on several occasions I did discuss privatising the Sangh with Vajpayeeji who in his inimitable style gave me this advice—“Bechna hai to becho/Par saara mat bech daalna (Sell if you must/But don’t give it all away).” He also had doubts on whether the RSS had any assets that’d interest the private sector. We now know that it indeed has. For instance, trained manpower that can be deployed as security guards. And property all over the country. And the piece de resistance, Cow ka Cola—cow urine with a zing! The Goldmane Sucks assessment report concludes that soft drink majors will be queuing up to buy into the RSS provided cows are persuaded to drink their colas and eat their wafers. I must say here that Goldmane has come up with an estimate on the RSS’ worth (which I’ll not reveal here since it might put off prospective investors).
Anyway, privatisation, as and when it happens, will lead to corporatisation. That will bring in accountability and force the pracharaks to wear Armani jackets and polka dot ties over their khaki shorts. In fact, in my mind’s eye I can see the RSS of the future where hazelnut beanburgers will replace samosas and aloo parathas will give way to brie and zucchini pie. And the Sangh headquarters in Nagpur by then would have a chic corporate look with swipe cards and designer handcuffs to ensure no one can up and leave during office hours.
Brand Hindutva will then grow till it becomes a lifestyle that envelops the world. Big-ticket music conductors will flock to Nagpur to learn from our sevaks how to wield the baton. Rock stars will shoot up Cow ka Cola to add that zing to gigs. Rappers will set Golwalkar’s Bunch of Thoughts to music and score huge hits on both sides of the Atlantic. And economists will research the life and times of Mohan Bhagwat and its impact on global crude prices....
Finally, you may ask: is this in the realm of the possible or is it just Arun Shourie dreaming? Well, Abe Lincoln too had a dream.
