Contrary to popular perception, I did create a flutter among officials of the Special Investigation Team (SIT) probing the Gujarat riot cases. And on the same day, March 21, when I was allegedly summoned for questioning. So, what exactly happened at the SIT office in Gandhinagar? No, I didn’t go but I did send a lookalike—you know one of those party loyalists who can’t let go of the ever popular Modi mask. Anyway, my lookalike (ML) was interrogated for hours before realisation dawned that he was not ‘the Modi’ but merely shared my surname, was from Ellis Bridge and had a penchant for cracking tasteless jokes. But permit me, for sheer entertainment value, to share some excerpts from the questioning (which was secretly taped for me):
SIT: So Mr Modi, what was your role during the riots?
ML: Vegetable roll. I’m a strict vegetarian.
SIT: We meant riots. RIOTS....
ML: I must confess I am a writer. But not a very remarkable one.
SIT: Do you approve of rioting?
ML: I approve of all writing. Including Arundhati Roy. You know, she’s no mean writer.
SIT: Was she ever involved in rioting?
ML: She writes quite a lot. So does Teesta Setalvad.
SIT: You allege she is a rioter?
ML: Most certainly! Everyone knows she occasionally writes.
SIT: Did you ever tell the police they shouldn’t act against the rioters ?
ML: Like I said, I like all writers. They should be allowed to write....
SIT: Are you anti-Muslim?
ML: Not if they are writers.
SIT: So you admit you support violence?
ML: I love violins. It’s the only instrument that makes sense.
SIT: Mr Modi, you are saying you are for violence?
ML: Why do you keep asking me the same question over and over again...like some of those TV anchors. Of course, I support violins. I prefer them to guitars.
SIT: We are talking about VIOLENCE!
ML: And I’m talking about violins too!
SIT: Let’s get it straight—are you Narendra Modi, the Gujarat CM?
ML: No, I’m Akhilesh Modi from Ellis Bridge and I am a part-time writer. I write short stories as a hobby, I run a kirana store for a living.
SIT: How did you then get our notice to appear for questioning?
ML: I suppose Arun Jaitley redirected your summons to me.
SIT: Thank you, Mr Modi. And please take off that mask.
ML: Before that, let me once again reiterate that writers should be guaranteed their freedom to write whenever and whatever they want.
SIT: Please don’t waste any more of our time. Leave immediately!
(Well, there ends a sit story till the real Narendra Modi stands up!)
(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)
