Here’s a secret. After the debacle in the first Test at Lord’s, the boys tried hard to drown their sorrow downing several bottles of Mcdowell’s No. 1 Platinum soda (since I’m the brand ambassador, I get a free supply). And as captain, I drank 10 bottles of the stuff but it neither lifted my spirits nor did it erase the humiliation of the defeat. Sachin, who was thoughtful enough to play the Royal Stag mega mix CD on the stereo (to keep Bhajji happy), was surprised at the copious amount of aerated water everyone was consuming. “Aila, why drink so much soda?” he asked. That triggered off much laughter from Sreesanth’s side. “Do you like aila fried or in a curry?” Sree asked in between fits of laughter. “Aila, why are you laughing,” enquired Sachin, “soda jada ho gaya kya?” (Sree later told me that ‘aila’ in Mallu means mackerel and hence the tickling of the funny bone).
Later, the legendary Sunnybhai came to the hotel room and on seeing the empty soda bottles and the loud music had a cryptic observation. He quoted the legendary broadcaster and sports writer Sir Michael Parkinson who famously said, “Drink is a serious problem, particularly on cricket tours, for it can be said, without fear of contradiction, that nothing yet devised by man is worse for a sick hangover than a day’s cricket in the summer sun.” Sunnybhai’s subtext: if we don’t go easy on the aerated stuff, we may lose at Trent Bridge too. Coach Duncan Fletcher, who himself downed a few Mcdowell’s, called it a day and went off for a pint at The Hawley Arms, his favourite pub in Camden. “MS,” he said as he left, “soda so good but lager’s better.” The only silver lining on that dismal day was Navjot Sidhu’s inspirational message: “Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.”
Now, sports journos are loath to report it but I have a revelation to make. All the advertising we are associated with is going to the players’ heads. The other day Bhajji was spotted in Hyde Park with a giant-sized cricket ball muttering “make it large” and “have I made it large?” Apparently, he is campaigning with the ICC for narrower bats and larger balls. And Gauti (Gambhir) spent an entire day at Hampstead Heath with giant photographs of himself from his schooldays and kept asking picnickers whether they were large enough. “Have I made it large?” he enquired, making some old-timers wonder whether he was the ghost of film director Michelangelo Antonioni whose Blow Up had several sequences shot at the Heath. When I took Sourav into confidence about how some of the guys have gone crazy, he was dismissive. “A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free,” he said, adding that the wisdom came from Greek philosopher and writer Nikos Kazantzakis. “Haan, maine uske baare mein suna hai,” I lied. I guess, as captain one has to do such things. Finally, what about my soda fixation? Well, it sometimes makes me feel queasy. But when you are paid Rs 6 crore, you can’t complain about gas....
(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)
