Testing Times

In 1999, British politician Norman Tebbit proposed a test of patriotism among immigrants to the UK. They would be judged on which cricket team they rooted for when England were playing. Recent events have prompted the Home Ministry to consider similar measures to ensure Indians pass the loyalty test. Home Minister Rajnath Singh heard about it from the media but inside sources have listed some of the proposals in the pipeline.

Mettle Detectors:  The new proof of your mettle may no longer rely on metal detectors. Those wanting to enter sensitive buildings like five star hotels, mosques and churches will now have to sing Bharat Mata ki Jai in a loud voice while thumping their chests. Those who happen to be named Bharat and love their mothers will have to take a lie-detector test.

Class Conscious: Another proposal from the Education Ministry tentatively titled Class Conscious suggests that no student shall be promoted to the next class unless they can recite all six verses of Vande Mataram in the original Bengali or Hindi. Students from JNU will be supervised by invigilators from government-supported institutions like Times Now and Zee TV. Reciting or singing the version produced by A.R.Rahman does not qualify.

The Rijiju Test:  Named after one of India’s best known nationalists, the Rijuji test will judge patriotism on the basis of the individual’s knowledge of Nostradamus (Rijiju said that Nostradamus had predicted that Modi will rule till 2026 and take over most of the world). The Rijiju test will test anyone since the French seer died in 1555 and there is no record that he ever wrote what the MOS Home said he did, but Nostradamus is now the new court astrologer, and we also know who is the court jester.  The Rijiju Test requires citizens to recite two quatrains of Nostradamus’ predictions relating to Modi as immortal ruler. Failure to do so will result in a transfer to Tihar.

Aazadi Exam: Also called the Freedom Movement, it is intended to separate the wheat from the chaff or the pro from the anti. The Aazadi Exam will basically be introduced in all schools at nursery level to check on what students want Aazadi from. Educational institutions are being seen by the government as nurseries of anti-nationals so the exam is meant to weed them out as early as possible before they become radicalized and start demanding aazadi from such subversive things like homework, PTA meetings school lunches and PT. This could lead to more dangerous anti-national activity once they grow up.

Flag March: The army does it when riots break out but now the Home Ministry is contemplating a scheme whereby every home will have the tricolor displayed, even if it’s a 1BHK in Borovili, and residents of all colonies will be required to march around their block waving the Indian flag to prove their Indianness. They will also be required to sing the national anthem while on the move. Anyone exceeding 52 seconds will be considered anti-national and taken to court where he /she will have to accompany the judge in singing a Manoj Kumar song.

The Beef Stake: One proposal on the menu is to pick random people off the streets, sit them down at a table and place a beef steak in front of them to see how they react—will they sniff it, poke it, turn their face away or send it for forensic analysis.  The wrong reaction---drooling for instance--- can be counted as sedition.