Tuesday, Aug 16, 2022

It’s A Dog’s Life

Delhi Police's Interrogation Report on Don, the Labrador. translated from dog-speak

AAP MLA Somnath Bharti told Delhi police that he and his dog Don would be available for questioning in the domestic violence case filed by Bharti’s wife. They were questioned separately. Here is the Interrogation report of Delhi Police on Don, the Labrador

Don: Bow

DC (Delhi Cop): You are not required to bow. This is just a preliminary interrogation.

Don: Bow, Wow

DC: There’s no need to be so effusive either, I’m just a lowly police officer. Now, do you have anything to say in your defence?

Don: Why am I being hounded?*

DC: There’s a complaint against you, it involves assaulting a lady.

Don: I am being accused of pawing a lady?

DC: You are a co-accused, one of you barked, the other bit. We have to establish who did what and to whom.

Don: I’m Don by name but not by nature.  My master Somnath trained me to respect women, all except those from a certain part of the world who live in a certain part of Delhi.

DC: The complaint says that you bit Mrs Bharti and left teeth marks on her stomach and private parts.

Don: I think you are barking up the wrong tree. I’m a friendly, tail-wagging lab, not a Rottweiler. My bark is worse than my bite.

DC: Do you know how to bark in Hindi?

Don: Why do you ask that? Am I being accused of verbal abuse as well?

DC: No, it’s just that our police commissioner has issued an order that we should all speak in Hindi.

Don: My master taught me a few words which had some suggestions of sexual relations if said in Hindi but we Labradors generally speak the Queen’s English since we originally came from Canada.

DC: Trronto? I have relatives in Trronto.

Don: I presume I have some too, but I’d like to establish my innocence in this matter. What’s your impression?

DC: We have taken an impression of your teeth and we will match it with the bite marks on the lady. If they match, you will be arrested and handcuffed, or pawcuffed.

Don: I’m 13 years old and badly overweight, isn’t that a bit extreme? Will I be sent to jail? 

DC: It’s quite possible the way this case is going.

Don: I’m already in the doghouse. My picture is all over the papers like I’m a wanted criminal.

DC: Your master brought you here, in the middle of the night.

Don: Just because people say that dog’s are a man’s best friend doesn’t mean I am as guilty as he is.

DC: That’s for the judge to decide.  Do you have a criminal record?

Don: You mean have I been collared? No, I may have lifted my leg a few times in public places but no one ever filed a case for indecent exposure.  I have an impeccable reputation, apart from my name which is unfortunate but I had no say in the matter.

DC: I suggest you prepare yourself for your appearance in court. My advice is to behave and be respectful to the judge.

Don: What do you suggest I do?

DC: Bow