Dear Sree: Outlook's Agony Aunt

I have just delivered twins, and my boobs have sagged already. I also put on a lot of weight over and above my original body weight of 60 kgs, recently to surprise my hubby I walked into one of Delhi’s best lingerie stores in a plush mall, and I was stunned when they literally body shamed me, and asked me to loose weight and all they could show me was some boring, feeding bras’ even as I insisted I wanted sexy and strappy. Why is being a big-breasted woman such an anomaly? – Soumi Sengupta, Delhi.

For those who know me and have met me in person, I am a quintessentially Bong woman with big eyes, big paunch (lovingly labelled as bhuri) and ample breasts, and so wanting to indulge myself in something fancy a day before my birthday, I decided to pamper my assets by walking into the Zivame store at DLF Saket, not being an online lingerie shopper. The store always looked so alluring with sensuous shapes and colors, lace and lavender, saucy reds and corsets...

But having walked in and asked to disrobe to take my 'accurate measurements’, I felt a strange, slanted discrimination towards women who aren’t quite small, and just a complete lack of informed choices and designs, meant for women with big breasts, and that I would think make up half the country. And while I was clear that I am looking for underwire, and not padded (as I don’t obviously need more padding, for God’s sake!), I was literally forced to understand why padded is a staple and how at my age, I am 39, I need booby support, though honestly, my boobs aren't sagging according to my own estimation, they are just plump - and when I just refused to try any more of size 40, I caught the salesgirl, who lacked any communication and convincing skills, mutter that how I simply cannot be so choosey, especially since I also want a ‘big size.’

Saying the word, ‘big,’ as if it were a veritable death sentence.

I think of all my ‘big,’ friends and think of myself, a fat girl growing up, and how easily persecuted a woman is because of her size in this country where our Goddesses are big and bouncy, but top actresses and models starve themselves to death, how Indian men love well endowed wives, but gape at porn and fantasize about malnourished bodies and how a woman’s appearance is sometimes the sum of her breasts. If she flashes too much, she's a slut. If she's flat chested, she’s ugly. I remember once talking to a woman and complimenting her breasts, and how she looked visibly embarrassed, confessing to me that her husband made fun of her after she had delivered children and breast fed them, and how she was shy about trying out fancy lingerie, scared of the way the salesgirls, called her ‘busty Silk Smitha.’ I think of another friend who wasn't getting a marriage proposal because she was reed thin, and how she always lied about her chest size and wore bras’s twice her measurements, just to appear ‘normal and feminine.’

‘We don't have much color options in your size.... big size only off white and cream...’ the salesgirl added grimly, looking flummoxed, as I undressed in front of her, telling her to hand me the measuring tape, to stop bringing me bras that weren’t my size. As a woman I think we are innately so ashamed of our own bodies that nakedness is always seen as something dirty and diseased. The way she looked at the ground, tongue-tied. As if she had never seen another pair of breasts. As if it were sacrilege.

While walking out, the marketing manager who had been all too sweet earlier, kept wanting me to show me their website, trying to convince me that there were more options I would find there. ‘Most women order online,’ she smiled fakely.

I didn’t smile back. Because while I am completely cognizant of the sheer convenience of online retail, and the whopping discounts, there is also something to be observed in the pattern so many women exhibit by preferring to buy intimate wear and also sex toys, lubricants and intimate foaming gels, off a faceless computer screen, because it is there, in a virtual, non-judgmental space that we feel most protected. Where our flabby tummies, ugly stretch marks, dark underarms, misshapen buttocks and thunder thighs aren’t the center of a sabotage, a simmering criticism by our own sex or a dismissive, derogatory comment.

I wonder despite all the famous, foreign brands flooding Indian malls and markets, how the whole beauty and fashion industry is made to balance itself on the paper-thin idea of being thin. And how we are in denial of a larger woman, not fat, by convention, maybe, but not skinny either. How we celebrate curves on a magazine cover, but how it barely applies to a bra or a panty, the difficulty of finding one, and the clumsy process most of us go through in real life, where we are stuck to one brand or one color or shape. How sexy is so skin-deep. How downright dumb most saleswomen at lingerie shops are, when you ask them the deeper questions or challenge their ideas of what you like or should wear.

I wondered on my way back, why I had to wear a bra in the first place. And how so much of what I had worn over the years was always someone else’s version. I wondered why we are always asked to cover our cleavage? If it’s a cover up for a century old conditioning of what a woman must do with her body, and how sin and shame are synonymous.
I am 38C.

And, you?

Dear Sree, I am 42 and have had only one single orgasm. It was actually during a quickie that I had with a distant cousin, at a wedding, in the toilet and the thrill of being caught and the adulterous nature of the encounter added to the sexual high. That scenario has never transpired again and neither has the orgasm – through penetration that is. I have just begun to see a nice guy and really would like to find my orgasm with him, but don’t know – Radha Verma, Chennai

You reaching the heights of sexual abandon is actually typical of illicit encounters that are naturally characterized by intensified arousal and, during such eroticism, more than penetrative sex, the immediacy and heightened risk of that moment causes you to experience a real high. On the other hand, orgasm during intercourse is rare for a lot of women, and it is sad because either we spend our whole life faking it to please the lover/spouse, or just learn to live sans it, mistakenly assuming it to be the focus of your sexual encounter. The best way to maximize sexual pleasure is to train your new partner about what feels good to you, and indulge in a lot of foreplay – touch and feel and taste each other and exult in the chemistry that you share and in the sensory thrill of doing things that arouse each other. Then experiment by proceeding to more direct clitoral stimulation during actual intercourse, which or may not may bring you to orgasm, but should be a stimulating experience.

It is absolutely natural to be cagey about how to sexually vibe with a new person, but learn relax, listen to the signals your mind and body are imparting and and approach the act with a spirit of fun, adventure, and open mindedness. Partners need help to understand your body and how to give you real pleasure and the kind of tantalizations and touch that turn you on, as this in turn makes them bolder about sharing their needs frankly and fearlessly.

Dear Shree, am I rushing my man into marriage? He freaked out after I went to a bridal expo off late. He keeps calling me ‘girlfriend,’ after that as if to prove a point. Have I blown my love life away… Pushpa Singh, Chandigarh

I think a man who is scared of commitment will be using any outward experience to keep himself free from responsibility of settling down and frankly, any man who can’t withstand a bag of glitter from a bridal expo is coward. Give him time to grow a pair. However, if he continues cringing and shouting—out with the chap! Also, marriage is an emotional decision as much as it is a financial and sexual one – it’s to with intent and the ability to bear life’s storms, as much as it is to soak in the sunshine, and if you both are in a committed, long term relationship, then why should marriage make your boyfriend feel scared and want to run away, and if settling down is what you want, why pussyfoot around it, and be on tenterhooks?

Marriage is a beautiful bond and you wouldn’t want to be with someone who is threatened by the magnitude and magic of this institution – next is what, he’ll be scared if you are invited to a baby shower!

I’m a 34-year-old lawyer and husband with a loving and great wife with whom I have awesome sexual and emotional intimacy. Before my marriage, I mentioned to her that at one time in my life I liked wearing women’s clothing, especially lingerie. She let the subject drop, I did not pursue it, and I stopped doing it. But recently the urge has resumed. Is it wrong for me to do it? – Ravish Pratap, Bangalore

Women’s lingerie is so sexy and flattering to the senses that I’m honestly amazed all men don’t wear it or aren’t tempted to. So please loosen up and let your imagination run loose, especially when it comes to being control of your own body and what you may wear to please yourself. If a human being can’t wear what he or she wants, why get dressed at all? Just as a husband may not tell a wife how much she should weigh, a wife may not tell a husband to wear boxers instead of a corset under his trousers. A lot of couples also happen to enjoy role play and swapping kinky costumes to heighten the idea of fantasy in their bedrooms, and there’s nothing fixed about one’s sexuality and what the boundaries are, as long as there is transparency and safety, so go ahead and give in to your fetishes.

For further queries, write to Dear Shree at  mydearsree1@gmail.com