Coping With Pain

I am the daughter of the former Member of Parliament, Ahsan Jafri, who was brutalized, burnt in his ownhouse and killed on February 28 during Gujarat violence that took place in the wake ofthe Godhra incident. It washard for me even to believe that he is no more, that he is taken away so untimely and with such cruelty andbrutality. As he was burnt and we did not find his body, there is no closure for me on his death.

During the past five months, I have swung wildly between the extremes of faith andhopelessness; brotherhoodand utter disbelief in humanity; our ancient values and wisdom, and the displayed dance of immorality andviolence in Gujarat. Over this time, I found myself even confronting my roots and religion.But thanks to the power of my father's teachings and the support of my family, I have now regained mybalance, overcome my grief, even if only partially. Partially, because I still fail to control my emotionswhile thinking about the sword that ripped him, the fire that burnt him, the people who killed him. But I cannow share with you my memories of my father, what he was to me, what he endured in his services to his family,his country, and how proud he has made us all.

He was my hero. The moment I close my eyes the entire period of my life from my early childhood to the dayI got married and left my family in India, plays back. Repeatedly. He was with me every moment of that lifeand he is with me, in spirit, now, as I write this.

My dear Abba, I love you. We all love you. We all miss you. We thank you for your devotion, your faith,your courage, your values, your sacrifice. You have taught us to be selfless and not put ourselvesfirst. 

Ammi never tires of recounting the incident when in the bedroom of your old house, while you were sleeping,the small kerosene lamp on the side of the bed fell off and the curtain caught fire. You were sleeping on theside of the fire and Ammi was next to you. As the heat woke you up and you saw the fire, instead of jumpingout of the bed immediately, you first woke Ammi up and asked her to get to safety. But as she woke up and sawthe fire, she thinks she quickly jumped out of the bed and ran to the door without even knowing where you wereor what you were trying to tell her.

It is more than 40 years since, but she still remembers and regrets that incident and feels guilty ofputting herself first that day and not grabbing your hand as she ran to the door. In the wake of what happenedon February 28, as she was upstairs in the house while you were being brutalized and burnt in your efforts tosave the lives and honour of over 100 men, women and children who had gathered in your house seekingprotection from the violent mob, that guilt has become unbearable for her. She sees that 40 year old incident replayed, yet again, only if under different circumstances and withunbearable consequences. 

Thousands of books in your library -- the treasure youhad safeguarded and saved for your children and grandchildren -- the books on law, literature, philosophy, humanity, religion, nationalunity and your poems articulating your understanding of all that, have turned into ashes. 

The sparrows in your office, are no more -- their nests burnt. I remember how you used to encourage andassist the sparrows make their nest in your office, lay eggs, rear their chicks and teach them to fly. Youwould keep one office window open all the time, even when we would go out and lock the entire house. Only so thatthe sparrows could get in and out freely. Several times a day, you would happily clean the messthe sparrows made inyour office in the process of making their nests. When the sparrows had little chicks, you would put a tape onthe fan switch never allowing it to be turned on even by mistake. You would work in the heat rather than riskinjuring the chicks by the fan. We also miss those sparrows.

Kaliya, the young boy who had foot infection, cries and recalls how you took him to the doctor and used topersonally dress and bandage his wounds. He also narrates how he, whom no one else would even touch, used to feelembarrassed to sit on the chair while you would sit down and tend to his feet.

Dozens of those whom you helped over the years also come and remember your kindness and generosity. Many ofthem also know how you used to ask them to white-wash the house, paint the doors, or remodel the toilets,kitchen, or garage in our house, not because that was needed, but because you wanted them to work and make aliving for themselves. They all miss you.

Abba, I know if you wanted, you could have earned a lot of money through your practice or political career.But instead, constant with our ethos, the Indian ethos, you chose to lead a life of simple living and highthinking. If you wanted, you could have become a very powerful and pragmatic politician. But instead, constantwith the values of your mentor and the ideal, Mahatma Gandhi, you chose to serve the people of our community,our country. Your poems on communal unity, national integrity and human dignity will continue to guidegenerations.

You have touched many hearts. A majority of Hindus and Muslims have come together in mourning you. You werean apostle of peace and an advocate of humanity and human dignity. Most of our Hindu friends express regretand shame over what a few misguided radicals, who they believe were Hindus, did to you and to thehundreds ofother innocent people in the Gulberg Society and Gujarat.

Bearing a feeling of guilt, these friends often come and apologize to us for the Gujarat violence. But wetell them, as you would have, that it is not they who must feel guilty. It is not Hinduism that is responsiblefor the carnage, nor should it be blamed.

The misguided radicals were the extremists, the followers of extremism, which is a religion in itself.Hindus are as innocent, as kind, as compassionate, as God fearing and law abiding citizens as those Muslimswho were made targets and killed in Gujarat by those extremists.

We tell this to all of our friends, here and everywhere. We love them, respect them and respect theirsincerity and faith in our values just as you did. We share their concern and resolve to work together toeliminate the monster of fascism injecting and spreading the poison of hate in our society, our country.

Abba, there was a time when I was totally overwhelmed with my loss, when I repeatedly kept asking myself,"Why my father? Why him?" But thanks to your teachings, the teachings of always seeing the biggerpicture of events and the bigger picture of our lives, I have recognized that there are thousands of otherslike me - men, women and children - who have lost their near and dear ones and who are also asking the samequestion.

Scores of children have become orphans and scores of parents have lost their children. I also recognizedthat some of the likes of me are in Godhra and in Kashmir. Their pain is no less than mine. Their loss is noless than mine. Their innocence is no less than mine.

So I ask of those in power who have carried out this carnage and who from time to time commit such crimesagainst humanity "Why us?" And with all humility, humbleness and a sincere heart, I ask God,"Why not those who preach hatred? Why not those who spread communal intolerance? Why not those whopropagate the violence against His creation?"

My dear Abba, I remember you telling me there is animosity in the world, but there is also peace, harmonyand love. There is pain and misery in the world, but there is also happiness, progress and prosperity. Thereis fighting and brutality in the world, but there is also brotherhood, peace and tranquillity. It only dependsupon where and how you look at the world.

Thanks to your optimism and my upbringing with a positive outlook, I choose to see love, brotherhood, peaceand communal harmony in India. I choose to believe the violence and communal intolerance we saw in Gujarat wasonly an aberration and that soon it will pass.

The hate mongers with a divisive agenda will be defeated and the people in India will come together,regardless of their religion or race, regardless of their colour or caste, regardless of their politicalorientation or ideology, to realize your dream and the dream of millions of others like you - that of aunited, progressive, prosperous, secular and proud India.

My dear Abba, thinking about you and your teachings revitalizes my resolve to go out and help thousands ofthose homeless men, women and children in the wake of the Gujarat massacre who have been suffering whatis insufferable, who have been enduring what is unendurable.

I am not bitter against any individual, or any community. Following in your foot-steps, I with yourson-in-law Najid Hussain, am working to the best of my capacity and capability, to help those destitutepeople. We have help from several individuals, institutions and organizations. We are working to provide thosepeople rehabilitation, guarantee their safety and security and work to ensure justice in Gujarat.

Bless us Abba.

And bless the country you served all your life with distinction, honour and a selfless devotion. Bless usand guide us so that we can clearly see and tread the path you showed us -- the path of kindness andcompassion, of unity and integrity, of peace and harmony -- so that we never have to see Gujarat repeated everagain.

Thank you. We love you. We will always love you. We also miss you.