What I remember most about times like that was feeling I deserved it. It was the price one paid for being fat. A familiar cycle got triggered. I was hurt by someone else but blamed myself. I sought comfort in food. I kept eating, hoping to feel better. I was angry with myself for being so weak. So, I punished myself by doing something self-destructive—overeating.
It hasn’t been fun being fat. I belong to a society that is expected to make fun of itself and be "sporting" about even the most insensitive comments. Somehow it translates that the extra layers make one thick-skinned, or that anyone who is that self-indulgent deserves ridicule. It is not recognised that often the layers have been put in place so as to protect the gentlest of spirits that reside within.
Everyone has a "fatty" in their lives. Perhaps you can ask yours what it felt like to be called that. They might reflect on it and discover that it wasn’t endearing because it was a constant reminder of the one thing they wished they weren’t—fat.
It is sad that the large amongst us are constantly made to feel small. It is socially sanctioned. Our participation in putting ourselves down is expected. If we are fat, the flaw lies within us, therefore it is fair to place blame. The fundamental flaw is seen as the inability to control oneself. If only it was that simple. One truth is that controlling one’s emotions and bottling up all the feelings that are seen as undesirable have caused this physical ballooning. The feelings that remain within clamour for attention, and in order to silence the monster, we feed it.
For some, this monster really exists in the form of an addiction. Food addiction is not something that people recognise as a legitimate medical condition. Earlier alcoholism was discredited in the same way. However, unlike alcohol, food is not something you can give up cold turkey. In fact, the thing you need to survive is also the thing that can put your life in jeopardy.
Diets are often seen as the only way to fix the problem. The way diets work is that they tackle what you eat. They set targets for you and function on the premise of denial. They set you up to fail. Diets encourage us to turn on ourselves. Often that is the very reason we began overeating in the first place. It was to quell a desire, or repress an emotion, or swallow a feeling. When I think of what going on a diet means for those of us who struggle with food, the image that comes to me is of a scorpion trapped inside a ring of fire. Ultimately, it stings itself.
In Greek, diet actually means "a way of life". So, it’s about changing an outlook. Diets focus on what you have to take out of your life instead of what you could add in—like more acceptance, greater self-love, less criticism. They do not tell you that you really have the power to make yourself feel better, and if you feel better you will eat better.
There is so much criticism about being fat. That criticism leads to feelings of shame. The shame translates into not being good enough. Joseph Campbell wrote that love is the only antidote to shame. My intention is to love the body that I am meant to be ashamed of. A friend once said to me, your stomach is part of you, embrace it, and name it. I did. Harappa was what came to mind. Slowly I have begun to reclaim all the lost territories and the whole is beginning to form. With a greater acceptance of self, my relationship with food has improved. I do not beat myself up about what I eat. There is the realisation that what I eat is not who I am. And an understanding that if I criticise myself, I diminish my own being and that leaves me less able to contend with what’s out there. I try and look at my behaviour with curiosity rather than criticism. It’s a gentler way to be. And sometimes it’s the tenderness alone that can stop me from reaching for another helping.
And then, there comes a time in your life when you see yourself as something other than just fat. That is the true before and after picture.
(Monsoon Bissell works in the field of behavioural science and organisational development.)
