'I Believe In Big Dreams'

Your Excellency, the President of the Republic ofPakistan; Mr. Man Mohan Singh, Prime Minister; and all other Indians [Whispersfrom an aide: Republic of India, Mr. President, not Pakistan.]

I beg your pardon, ladies and gentlemen, I did mean to say the IslamicRepublic of India. I just couldn’t remember where Air Force One was firstsupposed to land. I am mighty pleased to be in this great country of yours and Ithank My Man Mohan for his kind invitation from the bottom of my heart. Thatgreat state of Texas where I come from is really heart county, we’ve got verybig hearts, and I believe that some of your country’s great politicians havecome down there to get their hearts fixed. Now my predecessor Bill Clinton --God bless him, his family and ours are getting cosier and cosier by the day,though I do wonder if I’ll ever be able to hold Hilary to my bosom -- so mypredecessor, on coming to your great country some years ago, said that it hadalways been his childhood dream to visit India. 

Now I have to admit that I never had any such childhood dream. It’s notthat I didn’t have a childhood, indeed I know that some people think I neverceased being a child. And I do dream -- that great American, King’s his name,said you should dream from the mountain-top. And like King, I believe in bigdreams. I never had the kind of dream that Bill Clinton did because, and I’mnot ashamed to admit it, I never heard of India when I was a child. You knowthey say that old habits die hard, and I never did leave behind the habit of notreading books. You all know that I don’t read much of newspapers or reports,my advisers do that. That’s why I’m President, you see, I don’t get toread anything. 

But let me again thank Man Mohan Singh. I knew about the political dynastiesyou’ve had, the father-daughter, daughter-son, husband-wife, father-grandson,great great grandfather-boy teams, the Gandhis, Nehrus, and even people I’dnever heard of before, the Lallus and Yadavs, but I had hadn’t heard of theMohan dynasty. I guess I should have thought of it, given that both Mohan DasGandhi and Man Mohan Singh had some kind of turban on their head. I might notlike to read much, but I sure do like picture books, and I have seen pictures ofGandhi when he wore a turban.

Condi told me all about the great country of India onthe long journey on board. I mean, there’s only so much sleeping that even aPresident can do. We in America, and especially in Texas, know a thing or twoabout Indians. Condi did tell me that that I shouldn’t be talking of teepees,face paint, feathers, squaws, bows and arrows, Geronimo, and Sitting Bull. Someof that Indian culture has definitely left its mark on the youth of Americatoday: I do know that the paint is on longer applied to the face, but to thehands. So I guess that’s why Condi didn’t want me to talk about face paint.You in India have a great civilization, but it all really began in America.Somewhere in the history book that was read to me it says that the Indianscrossed over some body of water, I think it’s called the Berring Curve, andthat was some 10,000 years ago. That was a long time ago, and I really don’tknow why many people continue to say that we in America have a very shorthistory. 

Now I have to admit that there aren’t many Indians left in America, butmost of them, you all know, died of diseases. I guess it must be genetics, sinceI hear that you Indians are still dying of many diseases. But, truth be told, it’snot at all a bad thing that there aren’t many Indians in America. There areover a billion of you in India, and my population experts told me that everysixth person in the world is an Indian. That’s awesome. Now if nature hadn’tdone her work in America -- God bless nature, always giving us global warmth andcomfort -- the Indians in America would have multiplied as fast as you have, andevery fourth person in the world would be an Indian. If you all believe inmulticulturalism and diversity as much as I do, you have to agree that it’s agood thing that we don’t have so many Indians in America. And the ones thatare here, well they are in places that we call reservations where they can’tbe seen. It took me some time to understand why the Indians were called aninvisible minority and why they seemed kinda upset. So you see you just reservespecial spots for minorities, but we being an older and more experienceddemocracy, we actually have a special place for them that we call reservations.Isn’t that something?

As I said, it’s a great honor for me to be in India,another great home of multiculturalism. This beautiful lady to my right -- well,not quite, since no one is really to my right, except perhaps Pat Robertson, TomDe Lay (and he’s not part of my delegation, being on a delayed schedule) andthat other Bill, Frist -- well, this elegant lady who’s from Italy and I’mtold is something like an invisible hand running this country (why, it seemswhenever we speak of India, we run into invisible people and invisible hands) -well, she’s Roman Catholic. Man Mohan Singh is Sikh, though why they call himthat I sure don’t know, since he seems to be in really good shape, evenwithout going biking, fishing, golfing, and hunting. What a life one has asPresident! And the President of your Republic, well, I was sort of shocked toknow that he’s a Moslem, though Runny and Condi told me he’s a Hindu kind ofMoslem, whatever that means. He reads the Bhagavad Gita, does yoga, doesn’teat meat, and doesn’t like violence very much. I mean, either you’re aHindu, or a Moslem; either you’re with the Hindus, or with the Moslems. 

Since we’re on the subject of Moslems, let me say what is one of the mainthings that brings me to this great country of yours. Somehow, you’ll pardonme for saying so, when we got to talk about Moslems, we can’t seem to get awayfrom killings, and passion, and violence, and all that stuff. Now let me be veryclear. I know, though I don’t have any close Moslem friends, that Islam is areligion of peace, and most Moslems, like all Americans, are peace-lovingpeople. Now I might not read, but I sure do look at the funnies every morning.Some days ago I heard about this huge fuss -- people call it a ruckus, but Ibelieve in plain language -- over these Danish cartoons. These Danish cartoonsof Muhammad have got them Moslems stirring again. In the war room at the WhiteHouse, we have a large wall map of the world and all those strategic places thatare of great interest to us from the standpoint of American national securityare clearly marked. I don’t know much about Denmark, but the White Housegeographer showed me this country and I couldn’t really figure out howMuhammad got to Denmark. 

Now our Librarian of Congress who was present said something about not allbeing well in the state of Denmark, and when I asked him what he meant, he saidit was a literary allusion to some play about a King of Denmark by that greatBrit, Shakespeare. He sure did shake up the world, and that too without a spear.He only used a pen. I finally realize, while I’m talking to you, why we alwaysgot this question in school, whether the pen was mightier than the sword. Ithought it was a rather daft thing to think that the pen could be mightier thanthe sword, but both Shakespeare and this Danish cartoons mess makes me thinkthat I should rethink my position. I’m not known for re-thinking anything, butGod’s ways are mysterious.

Everyone knows me as a very focused person, but I’vebeen really distracted today. It must have something to do with being in India.Our Librarian of Congress, and we have a mighty fine library in Congress, notthat I’ve ever been to it, had been speaking of literary allusions. Now I meanmost of us have illusions, and in that special briefing I got on India they saidthat Hindus believe that the whole word is an illusion, that nothing’s real.They even have a special word for it, they call it MAYA, although I alwaysthought that was a Russian woman’s name. 

We in America, and that must be our Indian heritage, know a thing or twoabout illusions too. We never did find those weapons of mass destruction, butbelieve me, they’re not an illusion. They’re there. I’d compare theseweapons of mass destruction with an onion. You notice how many layers there areto an Indian? I meant an onion. You keep on peeling off layer after layer, butas you get closer to the truth, to the onion’s center, your eyes start towater. I haven’t peeled an onion in years, but I know that for a fact. Yes,Sir, there are ugly facts in this world, and it’s a fact that there wereweapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but the eyes of our inspectors started towater when they got close to discovering the truth. We never found the weaponsbecause we threw out the baby with the bath water.

So let me return to the subject of Moslems and say somewords about why I’m here today. I was told by Condi that some Muhammad fellowcame to India some 1000 years ago and that you’ve been smarting ever since.Your neighboring country, the one you all don’t get along with too well, evennamed one of its missiles after that place from where he came, Gas-ni orsomething. Mean thing to do, I’d say. So whether Mohamed is on cartoons or onmissiles, I guess the trouble never ends.

I know that your leaders were telling us that you had plenty of experiencewith Moslems, but we weren’t inclined to listen to you. We’ve got tocontinue to cooperate to hunt down those terrorists of al-Qaeda. Many of them, Ihear, are holed up in Pakistan. That worst snake of all -- he’s a coward, won’tcome out in the open, bin Laden, well he just disappeared on us and has becomeinvisible. There we go again, I hope you all now understand what I meant when Isaid that there’s something about India and the word invisible that makes themgo together.

The whole point of my trip is to change that, to put India on the map. Wasn’tIndia where they had the disappearing rope trick? I seem to remember somethingof that sort from the magic show I saw at the White House the day the TwinTowers slowly disappeared from the TV screen. I am convinced that the power ofillusion is truly great. The War on Terror must go on, and I know that thepartnership of our two great countries will be a model for the rest of theworld. Think of all the ways in which we complement each other: you greet uswith folded hands, we stretch out our hands in a firm (well, mostly firm, exceptfor the kind of guys you see in "Heartbreak Mountain") handshake; youvenerate the cow, we love to eat it; your guys are up while we’re asleep; youthink with your brain, we think with our bodies.

Our two great countries are on the verge of a specialrelationship. Thanks to the Brits, we speak the same language. Funny thing, thatspecial report I got on your country had a little history lesson, and it saidthat a general called Cornwallis from Cornwall who was defeated soundly by ourGeneral Washington then went on to India. They wanted a man of experience tospread democracy around the world. Well, we’re both democracies now. You havea President, and so do we -- that’s me.

People who’ve been studying this kind of thing, you know democracies aroundthe world -- and they’re increasing, just look at Iraq, look at those turbanedAfghan women so eager to vote, and freedom’s on the march -- say that the bigdifference is that your President is actually a figurehead. Many of my criticshave said that I’m a figurehead as well and for once my critics are right.They were wrong about WMD, they were wrong about whether those Arabs would taketo democracy like fish to oil, and they’ve been wrong about doggone everythingelse, except for one thing. It really is Dickhead Cheney who’s running mygovernment, and he did a very good job of it largely cause we kept him inhiding, just like Bill Laden. My Dick is really good at nearly everything -- hegets the contracts to the right people, wears a pacemaker -- you know, I’m agreat believer in going at the pace that our Maker set for me, in bed by nine o’clocksharp -- and even knows how to fire a gun. I’m sure you’ve all heard of thisexpression, Lame Duck President, but it goes to show that our reporters do notalways adhere to the high standards that we expect of them. Dick’s always hada preference for quail, not ducks. I never did think of it before, but I wonderwhat happened to that other Quail, you know the guy who was Dick’s earlierincarnation under Ronnie?

Well, your excellencies and friends, I think I’ve gone on long enough. We’vegot lot of important issues to talk about over the next two days of my visit,and that’s why I brought along my entire team. God bless you all.

Vinay Lal, Ph.D.is Associate Professor of History and Asian American Studies,UCLA., USA.