Dear Sree: Outlook's Agony Aunt

Dear Shree, I’m a qualified, successful, financially well-off 32-year-old entrepreneur. I married a successful, handsome, extrovert, the CEO of his own startup company, three years ago. I knew he cheated on his first wife with his second wife, and on his second wife with me; and I went into the marriage as the third wife knowing that the duration of his fidelity was limited. We invested in a penthouse in Bengaluru, increased our net worth, began attending a lot of society events, and generally were in the throes of a rocking personal and professional life. Last month, I caught him having an affair with a woman in our building – a young single mom. In my haste and anger, I decided to take revenge by having a fling with a mutual friend of ours and... here comes the twist in the tale, I’ve fallen in love. He is caring, and, best of all, a passionate lover. However, he’s not socially ambitious, and, being a mere manager, makes very mediocre money. I have an extremely comfortable life, a beautiful home, drive a SUV, and a thriving social position. Do I throw it away to be with a man who appears to love only me? Or stay with my husband, who is a known cheater and who I just caught instant-messaging that chick?

Jaya Sundaram, Bengaluru

I think I would advise you to play safe and stick with the ‘known’ devil. You knew what you were getting into when you married a man who has a proven and long track record of cheating and jumping into bed with whoever he finds as an easy replacement; the two of you are almost like a conglomerate. Your home, lifestyle, ambitions, social networking seem perfectly synchronized. Also, let’s be honest here, you are on a major revenge/rebound spree, and I don’t frankly feel you are head over heels in love with the meager middle class manager. Figure out what it is that you want – and before breaking your home and heart – decide whether you want to be a fellow cheater or walk out with your head held high as a successful and self-respecting individual.

Dear Shree, I have just started dating a guy in my software firm, and while we are playing it easy and taking time to discover each other, I just want to know when we should ideally have sex in a new relationship and is sex on the first date a good thing?

Jyotika Shiralee, Ahmedabad

Every relationship actually depends on each person and it all depends on what level you are at in the same and what is the nature of relation you are looking at. Having sex too soon generally speaking increases expectations. On the emotional side, women typically seek to gain love and affection through sex, but most men can have sex sans love. Like it or not, once you have sex the relationship takes on a new shape, you add a significant new dimension. You are without question, no longer just friends. If you don’t share a sexual relationship with someone, and you get to know them and find that you are really not interested in a long-term relationship, getting out is much simpler and much less painful for both parties. Having sex without getting to know someone is like taking a job without having any idea what your pay or duties will be. You get hired, show up, and then start to ask those critical questions. And many times you won’t like the answers, and will get exasperated that you took the job without enough information up front. Once you have sex, you are in a relationship – in one form or another. Period.

What does a man think when you have sex with him right away?

Probably two contradictory things… First, his ego will be telling him that you really, really are into him and maybe even love him. At the very same time, he’ll be thinking that you sleep with everybody on the first date and that he is not that special. Having sex soon, just brings up too many issues. For instance, thinking that you really, really like him can flatter his ego and scare him away at the same time because you like him too much, too soon.

Can sex on a first date ever work out?

If sex is really awesome at the beginning of a relationship, then it can be reason enough for people to hang in and perhaps develop a deep caring long-term relationship. But if the sex is dull and not passionate, there is not enough stimulus to sustain the relationship without the deep level of caring. On the other hand, if you have been together long enough for love, caring and emotional intimacy to have developed, then the relationship can progress toward good (or even great) sex even if it wasn’t so great at the beginning. And, there is a greater chance for rocking sex when it is an expression of love than when it is more casual. The bottom line is, if you have sex on the first date (or before there’s a deep connection) – you better have fantastic sex the first time or they’re unlikely to stick around. For many, poor sex combined with not having that deep emotional connection means that you’re not the right person… and they’ll graduate to someone else.

Dear Shree, I am very conscious about my body and generally uptight when it comes to sex. I wanted to know if masturbation has anything to do with how fast I climax during actual sex?

Radhika Mehta, Mumbai

If you masturbate frequently and are very habituated to only climaxing via masturbation with a very specific sort of stimulation, then perhaps the stimulation during sex with a partner may make you take longer to climax as it’s not your ‘usual’ sort of stimulation. If for instance you are conditioned to climaxing quickly during masturbation because they rush through the process, then you may find that they climax quickly also during actual sex. Also, if a man only masturbates and rarely has sex than sex with a real person could make him ejaculate too fast during sex, as he’s too excited about doing something sexual other than masturbating. If a man recently ejaculated, then his next ejaculation may take longer. So if a guy masturbates just before sex, then it can sometimes make him last longer, but this depends also on his age, fitness, sexual experience, masturbatory patterns and his partner. Self pleasure is important in self discovery, and can be used during sex by the respective partners to arouse their other half – watching your lover masturbate or help you in yours is a natural high.

Dear Shree, my girlfriend and I are done, and I am ready to terminate my one year old affair, however how can I do it minus being a total jerk that every woman loves to hate?

Pawan Singh, Patna

Don’t act too fast. Ask yourself, “Do I want this to end or do I just want change?” If you’ve been together more than a few months, you owe it to yourself to give ending things some serious thought. Write down what bothers you and talk it through with your girlfriend. Only then can you decide whether it’s the right decision. Secondly, let her hear it from you, first. Resist the urge to speak to anyone about the split before talking to your future ex. You’ve made up your mind, but a breakup could come as a shock to the other person, so leave plenty of time to discuss it. Even if it ends up being a quick conversation, they might be left reeling. So, do not do it the day before they have a huge test. Generally, a good rule is to ask yourself, “how would I like this to end?” Be honest and avoid the temptation to use clichés. By telling them you don’t want a relationship right now — when actually, you’re just not that into them — you’ll be confusing the situation. If they’re going to move on, you need to help them see why you’re not right for each other, and that requires total honesty. Being too brutal will only lead to more heartbreak, but don’t give false hope if you know there really isn’t any. Finally, respect your ex’s decision if they want to unfollow you on social. Then decide who in your joint social circle you want to remain friends with; if it’s unlikely you’ll stay close with your ex’s pals, consider deleting them. Also try to avoid the special places that were ‘yours,’ and use this is as a chance to find some new spots. Finally, don’t underestimate what a huge part of your life your ex was. Although this was your choice, it won’t always be easy.

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