Doctors See All Shades Of Elder Care As Children Bring Ageing Parents

Contrary to the common perception that an increasing number of children are abandoning or neglecting their ageing parents, geriatricians say their clinics present a far more nuanced picture.

Alongside cases of neglect, they are also witnessing heartening examples of children, daughters, sons-in-law and daughters-in-law going to extraordinary lengths to ensure their parents age with dignity.

At the same time, doctors caution that excessive protection can be just as harmful as neglect, as it often robs older adults of their independence and confidence.

"Our clinics reflect the entire spectrum of caregiving," said Dr. Harjit Singh, Geriatrician at Sitaram Bhartia Institute of Science and Research, Delhi. "We see families who bring their parents for routine health check-ups even when there is no illness."

“We also see children who carefully monitor their parents' medicines, accompany them on walks, enrol them in yoga classes, encourage them to socialise and even teach them how to use smartphones so they can stay connected."

He recalled meeting a son-in-law who brought his father-in-law every month for follow-up consultations despite living in another city and daughters who routinely accompany their mothers to physiotherapy sessions. "Care today is no longer the responsibility of sons alone. Daughters, daughters-in-law and sons-in-law are equally involved," he said.

However, doctors are also encountering another category of carers—those who become excessively protective.

"Out of love, children often stop their parents from doing even simple household activities or walking independently because they fear they may fall," added Dr. Pramod Kumar, Associate Professor (Geriatric Medicine) at All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS), Delhi.

"While the intention is good, excessive protection gradually reduces mobility, weakens muscles and affects self-confidence. Unless medically advised, older adults should be encouraged to remain as active and independent as possible."

At the other end of the spectrum are patients who reach hospitals only after their health has significantly deteriorated.

"In some cases, elderly people are brought to us only after they have suffered repeated falls, severe weight loss, memory problems or advanced illness," said the doctors. "Often these warning signs had been present for months but were dismissed as 'normal ageing'."

According to them, the challenge is to strike the right balance—being attentive without becoming controlling.

"When families ask me how they can care for their parents without becoming overprotective or neglectful, my advice is simple: don't monitor every step they take; monitor any change in their routine," said Dr. Singh.

The medicos advised children to pay attention to subtle behavioural changes rather than waiting for a medical emergency.

“If a parent who regularly goes for a morning walk suddenly stops going, begins sleeping excessively or sleeping poorly, withdraws from conversations, loses interest in meeting friends or appears persistently low in mood, these may be early signs of an underlying health problem that deserves medical attention,” cautioned Dr. Singh.

Dr. Kumar concurred, adding that "If they are maintaining their daily routine and quality of life—even if they use a walking stick or walker or take regular medicines—there is no need to interfere unnecessarily.”

"The aim is to preserve independence, not replace it."

Social engagement, health experts said, is equally important. Families should encourage older adults to spend time with grandchildren, meet friends, join neighbourhood groups, participate in yoga classes or community activities, and continue hobbies that provide purpose.

Dr. Kumar said special attention is required when parents relocate to a new city to live with their children. While the move is often made with the best intentions, it can leave older adults isolated after they lose contact with their familiar social circle.

"Children should help their parents build a new social network instead of assuming that simply living together is enough," Dr. Singh agreed and suggested, "Introduce them to neighbours, identify nearby parks, senior citizens' groups or walking clubs, and encourage them to participate. Loneliness can be as damaging as many chronic illnesses."

He also cautioned against taking over every decision in an elderly parent's life.

Rather, "involve them in family discussions. Seek their opinions. Let them make decisions wherever possible. Respecting their autonomy is just as important as managing their medicines."

Dr. Singh strongly felt that society's biggest mistake is equating ageing with inevitable decline.

"I often ask people what worries them most about their parents' health. They immediately mention diabetes, blood pressure or cholesterol. But very few think about muscle strength, memory, loneliness, risk of falls or sense of purpose," he says.

According to him, frailty, loneliness, muscle loss and cognitive decline are not unavoidable consequences of ageing.

"Healthy ageing requires intention, support and opportunity," he said.

His advice to the younger generation is straightforward: spend meaningful time with parents, share meals whenever possible, encourage regular exercise and strength training, take them for walks, motivate them to learn new skills or hobbies, help them remain socially connected, teach them digital technology through grandchildren, and remember that health is far more than blood sugar readings or blood pressure numbers.

Echoing similar sentiments, Dr. Prasun Chatterjee, former Professor of Geriatric Medicine at AIIMS, Delhi, and Group Clinical Lead, Department of Geriatric Medicine, Apollo Hospitals, writes in his book 'Health and Well-Being in Late Life' that society must rethink the way it views ageing.

"Our parents spent decades nurturing and supporting us. They may sometimes appear cranky, demanding or rigid, but they have lived through experiences that offer invaluable lessons about life. What many of them need is not much—only a little compassion, care and emotional support to live with dignity rather than loneliness," he said.

Dr. Chatterjee stressed that families and communities must create meaningful opportunities for older adults to remain engaged. "The need of the hour is to develop activities at the family and community level that encourage their participation, preserve their independence and give them a continued sense of purpose," he added.