Shane Watson

The Delhi-Sydney flight is smooth but I am shaking all over. Difficult to hold the pages of the diary and write. Some self-introspection is needed. Am I a senior cricketer or a school boy to be asked to do homework? Even if they call it a ‘presentation’? Mickey said he wanted three points from the 16 of us covering technique, mental state and teamwork. Would that help us win the remaining two Test matches? Why three, I can answer in one word...shit! What is the job of the coach? Doesn’t he watch us play, he could note down not three but 30 points.

Why only Mickey, the captain is also to be blamed. How would anyone respect a captain who is called ‘Pup’? ‘Punter’ for Ricky was a captain’s nickname. Others weren’t bad too, Glenn ‘Pigeon’ McGrath, Jason ‘Dizzy’ Gillespie. Aussie captains are dons, not pups. In the dressing room, he runs around looking for excitement. Poor Simon Katich almost strangled Pup for not singing our team song after a hard-fought win over SA and ignoring the champagne because he wanted to run away with his waiting girlfriend. And that was the end of poor Simon’s Test career. Pup could not get along with Andrew Symonds too. I don’t know what happens to the c******a at times. ( I learnt a lot of swear words when I was with the Rajasthan Royals, skipper Warnie being chief tutor.)

I was the team’s vice-captain but who’s bothered about that now? Why send me down to bat at No. 4 or 5, when I normally open the innings? I told the captain and the coach but it’s of no use. My replacements as openers fared badly but still no one bothered. I was not cleared to bowl, my wife was expecting a baby and these days cricket is so mercenary that the birth of a baby is surely more important than a Test match. Then came this final blow, having to make a three-point presentation.

Patto (Pattinson) bowled his heart out in the blazing heat and wretched pitch. He was so tired he fell asleep before his laptop. And what can Mitch Johnson write? “You were idiots to have dropped a senior player like me who had experience in Indian conditions?” Poor Khawaja had not even played a single match on the tour and now the poor bugger is out too!

What of the future? I won’t miss Test cricket. We seem to be in for a thrashing this year with back-to-back Ashes series also later this year. So, for now, it’s go home, relax, play with the baby, forget about India. My India is the IPL India, the Shilpa Shetty India. This year, I am told, we may be asked to turn out in kilts and tops. Looking forward to that. Even if I say so myself, I do have nice legs.

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com