Sachin Tendulkar

es, I do keep a Secret Diary from the time my friends in publishing told me I could make millions if I offered it for publication. Much more than any routine, dull memoirs. People expect hot stuff from secret diaries. Now I have to write about why I quit the captaincy of Mumbai Indians on the eve of IPL 5. As the media reported, it was stress. Of late, it had been one stress after the other. Low scores in England, Australia, the endless wait for the 100th 100 and the ‘toe’ factor. One toe of mine troubles me but I am too stressed to find out which one. In a secret diary, I can mention other personal reasons for giving up the MI captaincy. My stress factor shot up when I was invited to Mukesh Bhai’s fabulous residence, Antilla. Wow, that was some bungalow and here I was, rather proud of my own new bungalow at Bandra, which in comparison now looks like a pygmy hut. I feel I must now change my priorities and own a better, bigger residence. My energy should be directed towards that and not captaining Mumbai Indians. I must work hard, increase my endorsements from the 17 now to around 170 so that I’ll have enough moolah to build a new bungalow. I will be busy meeting corporate honchos, ad agencies and marketing wizards and that will leave very little time for MI.

I told the media I gave up captaincy to play as a batsman so that I could enjoy the game more. Of late, I play for the country too only for personal enjoyment while others do the hard work.

Don’t you know how I picked and chose my matches and tours and even decided to tour a wretched Bangladesh to finally get to that elusive hundred? I broke up the Sehwag-Gambhir jodi, insisted I open the innings so that I could swish around a bit with the bat and then rest in the pavilion. This being a secret diary, I can confess that this is how I enjoyed my cricket. Then everyone made such a big fuss over the BCCI function to honour Rahul Dravid on his retirement. Big deal, yaar. Some people retire when they are 40, others like me wait till we are 60. And what did Rahul talk about, he just went on thanking everyone he played with and what was so great about that? But the media coverage over my absence created some stress for me. My toe, man, is more important than Dravid!

Yes, I did consult Nita bhaabhi and Mukesh bhai and explained to them that anyone could captain a T20 side. Harbhajan should do well. Bhajji may slap a couple of guys for non-performance but that should not be taken seriously. And yes, after the 100th 100, I do feel 50 kgs have been lifted off my head. But it is still heavy, for I must now reach the target of 170 sponsors and see to it that I continue till my son is in the Indian XI. He already practises with the team, so it should be a shoo-in.

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’

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