Roger Federer

Is this retirement, I can’t believe it! Five, 10 years back by October/November every year, I was playing like crazy to be the world No 1. Now 2014-end is approaching, and 35-year-old ‘Granddad’ Federer is doing the same. Lots of work to be done in the next two months. Nadal is out of the race, he is having his appendix removed. Feel sorry for him but that is one rival less for the No. 1 spot. Andy Murray is way down the list, Scotland is not going to be independent and that is going to keep him down further. That leaves me with just one major rival, tall, lanky, well-stubbled Novak Djokovic. And some rival that man could be. He looks lean and hungry like Cassius in Julius Caesar but his presence as a challenger for the vital No. 1 spot disturbs me.

Though my Swiss villa is heavily guarded, I am puzzled and upset when some of the guards reported seeing a young, tall and lean fellow snooping around. He is like the French Scarlet Pimpernel, visible one moment, then invisible. Who is this phantom guy, what does he want from me, money, trophies, gifts, Swiss cows presented by the government? The Phantom stalked me only when I practise outdoors. This puzzled me, the Djoker had seen enough of my game and why spy on me? With the amount of tennis we play (most of it telecast live), why stalk me when I am practising my new shots and strategy? He can’t play like me, I can’t play like him. One of my confidential tennis spies told me something rather disturbing. The Phantom resembled the Djoker. Did he want to play like me, not only on the courts but outside it too? I am family-oriented, travel with the family and what a family! Two sets of twins and a number of cows gifted from the Swiss government after winning the Wimbledon.  You see, cows and calves create a peaceful environment, their mooing is so different from all that bad rock music, and twins are less noisy than single kids. That is why I take the family along wherever I go. They create the proper environment for my game.

The Djoker’s game is different. He generates a kind of noisy, hectic environment which symbolises the difference between the Swiss and the Croat. He is trying his best to copy my technique and lifestyle (which could improve his game). The Djoker now has a child, but according to my sources, he and his wife now take fertility pills daily. The Djoker definitely feels that the more he plays like me, the better chances of his becoming the world No. 1. Recently, he received two prize Croatian bulls as gifts from his government and, who knows, by December this year, his game could be better than mine.

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 [AT] gmail [DOT] com