Your Lordships, Please Ban Mallu Jokes

A virulent malady afflicts our nation: everything we do is turned into some silly joke. Our culture, our intelligence, our food habits, our driving skills, our sexual habits, even our abuses — are made into jokes! Like kissing and holding hands in public, jokes have never been part of Indian culture.

If we examine our history books there is not a single joke in all those dull text books. We have always venerated dourness and graveness. But, of late, we are bombarded by jokes in the virtual world. It seems they are designed to attack our culture and induce ridiculous laughter. And as all conspiracy theories go these jokes are a western import that Pakistan is using via WhatsApp, Facebook and as online artillery to hurt our cultural sentiments and dilute the idea of India as a serious nation. As a result the whole world is laughing at us. Seriously, this is no laughing matter.

If one can no longer go about doing ordinary stuff without being ridiculed then we must find recourse in the courts to stop all this laughter. It is heartening to know that the Supreme Court has agreed to restore our national pride. For a start it will examine Santa Banta jokes and decide if they should be banned once and for all. While they are at it (we hope they go about their duties in all seriousness) we plead that Your Lordships will also examine Mallu jokes, Bong jokes, Rajinikanth jokes, TamBrahm jokes, Indian jokes etc. etc...and ban them all. We have been ridiculed enough.

As a Mallu — that is a native from the state of Kerala — I must present my case as to why Mallu jokes should be banned. I am language-challenged so are many other Mallus. Our inability to pronounce English words correctly has spawned a whole industry of Mallu jokes, online, parodies (Have you heard Hotel California sung by a Mallu?), books, trick questions and even a TV show!

The first time I was ridiculed for my accent was when I was in class five. I remember I said luggjury instead of luxury. My little classmates no taller than four feet ten inches roared. I don't know if they knew the meaning of the word to laugh so loud. Some stood, some doubled up, and some of those prim and proper girls with ribbon-tied plaits chanted: A Mallu joke, a Mallu joke. As if that was not bad enough, the teacher joined them. And with tears streaming down her cheeks she repeated after them. I was tormented. My whole life was ruined.

I have never dared to say that word again in public for fear of being ridiculed. My vocabulary has been severely limited since then. And on days when the weather was dull, and classes were duller, my seniors would encircle me and ask me why the chicken crossed the road? I would mouth: simbly. Sometimes, whole afternoons I did little else but amuse every child who wanted to know why the chicken crossed the road. I needed psychiatric help to overcome my fear of uttering the word. Simbly.

Verbal difficulties in differentiating between the letter "P" and the letter "B" or the letter "P" and the letter "D" is a major concern for us Mallus but even today it has not been elevated to a disability by the medical world but dismissed as a Mallu accent. If only Aamir Khan would make a film like Taare Zameen Par featuring Mallu accents, then people would sympathise with me.

When I later entered university I changed my surname many times: once to Mukherjee, then to Fernandez, then added Aiyer but my accent was a dead giveaway. The minute I opened my mouth people would ask me: Mallu right? It is the Mallu jokes that have bracketed me. Not only should all Mallu jokes be banned but I think I should be adequately compensated for the pain caused by every joker, stand-up comedian and even the state that never prevented these jokes from multiplying.

As I learnt to live with snide comments that met my accent, a whole new show based on Mallu accents happened on Channel V called Lola Talkies. 

I was mortified. Of course, all this affected my career prospects too. At job interviews I would sail through my written test but at oral interviews I faced sniggers and more laughter. I was always turned away without any proper reason. One interviewer even forgot my name and said: "Lolakutty we will let you know."

I was then advised by some BPO manager to unlearn my English completely and learn the English language right from scratch. There are no schools in India where I can unlearn the English language so I became a hopeless case destined to live as a Mallu joke. Here is an online abuse that encourages viewers to ROFL: a Mallu customer tries to understand a customer care girl: 

This is the kind of stuff that makes people laugh even before I talk. So, Your Lordships, please ban Mallu jokes.