(Late) King Marthanda Varma

fter 253 years in heaven (I left my earthly abode in 1758), I now find that my family is the talk of the town (up here) after the opening of the vaults of the Sri Padmanabhaswamy temple in Thiruvananthapuram. It revealed jewels, gold, diamonds, antiques and what have you worth `1 lakh crore. Naturally, the treasure trove made even the souls of many a monarch sit up and take notice. Queen Victoria, with an angel in tow carrying an easel, palette and brush, ran into me in the garden. She was the first to express surprise, “Martha, I believe your family has stashed away riches in some temple in Kerala.” I said, with all modesty, that in 1750 I had dedicated our kingdom to the Lord and so our wealth went to Him. She nodded understandingly and went off to select a landscape to paint. On my part, I settled down for a chat with Albert Einstein. You see, there were things about his Theory of Relativity that baffled me. Albert (bless his soul!) is very patient and never minds explaining complexities.

So, how is life way, way above terra firma? Well, it’s relaxed and lots of fun. Why, the other day this chap, John Lennon (he’s 222 years younger than I), borrowed a harp from one of the angels and began plucking it and sang Strawberry Fields. In our time we never had this kind of music. Which is perhaps why Swathi Thirunal, who ruled Travancore from 1829-1846, and always a connoisseur of Carnatic music can only just about tolerate pop songs. Poor John, support for him comes from my end and from Timothy Leary (the acid guru) who is always on cue egging Lennon on, saying his music is “far out” or “mind-blowing’.

That apart, do I stay in touch with my homeland? Well, in fact I do. Every year, after his Onam visit, the legendary King Mahabali sends me a report. (Unfortunately, we don’t meet much because he was banished ages ago to the netherworld by the gods). Of late, his feedback (by sms) has been rather depressing. Like last year he wrote: “Martha, there is too much corruption here. And in the name of Onam, my subjects have taken to drink...`155 crore worth of liquor consumed in a matter of days! It has become God’s own country (liquor). Our Kerala has truly become the land of cheap brandy and rum. Not coconut milk and honey.” Now, I can well understand why Mahabali is so upset. But what can we do but pray that better sense prevails on earth.

Finally, what should be done with the treasure trove in the temple vaults? I feel, starting this Onam, it can be used to build hospitals, schools, highways, playgrounds. Part of the money generated can also be allocated to feed the poor. Incidentally, talking of Onam, we celestial beings have a sadya (feast) every day. And I am happy to say that Malayali cuisine is much in demand. Coleridge loves avial on toast. T.S. Eliot prefers curd rice on a pizza base. And yours truly has a weakness for very sweet payasam....

(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)