Column | The Burden Of Being A Perfect Mother Is Incredible: Sameera Reddy On Motherhood

Marriage and motherhood are sold to us in very glamorous ways—through advertising and social media. One doesn’t really understand the identity changes that happen to a woman, or the physical and mental changes that actually go into becoming a wife, a mother and a daughter-in-law.

From being a girl who has her own aspirations—who has dreams for herself—to entering a very different part of your life where you may find yourself putting some of those things aside. Everybody has their own journey, of course, but I think we grow up with a romanticised idea of what marriage and motherhood are going to be.

For me, pregnancy made me realise just how unprepared I was. I was prepared superficially with everything, but internally I knew that I wasn’t prepared at all, especially with my firstborn. However much you prepare yourself, I think it is only after having children that you understand how much you have to work on yourself. The identity shift is very strong and I really went through my own journey of discovering that.

I had my first child at 37 and my second at 41. Somewhere through those years, I began to realise how important it is for women to support other women, and equally, how important it is to feel supported yourself.

I feel I have been reborn after having children. I am much stronger and much more connected to who I am. Motherhood also made me understand and respect the true strength of women and the many different roles we take on.

You can be a mother, a homemaker and a career woman, and there are so many different responsibilities that women carry. Whether you are at home managing households and families, pursuing a big career alongside it, or doing either, it is really something that a woman has to discover about herself. It also made me look at our mothers differently and appreciate everything women have been doing for generations.

And whether a woman is supported or not through all of this makes an enormous difference. That is a tough part of the journey too.

Finding My Voice

As an actress, I always felt I had to keep certain fears and insecurities under wraps because people said that was the way it was. We had to present this perfect stance of who we were.

After motherhood, I think the most beautiful part has been being able to speak openly and be unfiltered. That is something I feel happiest doing now. People connect with me more because of it, and I am very grateful for that.

Perhaps that is why my social-media journey has been such a powerful shift for me. I discovered this desire to give back, which wasn’t really there when I was in films. I wanted to genuinely connect with women and make them understand that it is okay—that what they are going through is natural and that they need to work on themselves too.

For me, motherhood has therefore not only been about raising my children, it has also changed the way I communicate and the way I connect with other women. It has allowed me to talk about things I might once have felt I needed to hide.

The Pressure on Mothers

There is also this “good mother” syndrome. We try to do everything because somewhere we want to be given that crown, that mantle of being a good mother. It is almost inborn because we have heard it for so long. It comes from our conditioning, from our families, from society and from what has traditionally been held up as being a good wife, a good mother and a good daughter-in-law.

The pressure on mothers to be perfect is deeply ingrained in our minds. Recently, something very interesting happened. I told my son, “Mummy is not perfect, and Mummy will make as many mistakes as you because Mum was also a child once.”

I may be grown up, but I don’t have it all together. I think it is important to show that side of yourself even to your children, so that they understand you better.

The pressure is very high, and pretending that we can manage everything perfectly only adds to it. Honesty within the home, or with friends, and having the ability to release some of that mental pressure is important.

The Second Time Around

My experience of motherhood also changed enormously from my first child to my second. With my son, I was so petrified of everything. I was so careful. My whole pregnancy itself was so dramatic.

With my daughter, I was absolutely fearless. I worked until the last day and went to the hospital feeling so confident. When she came, from the whole breastfeeding experience to bouncing back, I think I was the absolute opposite of what I had been with my firstborn.

I wish I had been like that with my firstborn, but I wasn’t mentally ready. The second time, I was completely ready. That difference showed me just how much I myself had changed between those two experiences of becoming a mother.

Change Begins at Home

If mothers are to be better supported, I believe change has to begin with family dynamics. In-laws and parents should not groom boys to think that women will handle everything. At the same time, they should not groom girls to believe that the entire responsibility is theirs.

That conditioning can only break if we start changing things within our own families. With my own daughter and son, I have made sure that Hans, my son, understands equality and understands how giving is as important as receiving. Both are important and equal in all relationships.

Most importantly, we have to be the change within our own homes. Parents, especially of this generation, need to work together and become good role models for their children. We have an opportunity to change what the next generation grows up believing about the responsibilities of women and men.

The chain starts with us. And for me, that is what real motherhood is. That is what my journey has been.

(As told to Fozia Yasin)

Sameera Reddy is an actor