Psst... Bill, Goin' Viagra?

It's a pity the undisputed leader of 20th century lust, on his first visit to the undisputed monument to 17th century love, will do little more than zip along its streets in his bulletproof car, pause for a photo-op or two, and leave as quickly as he came. But if 'Sick Willy' were to snook a cock at Secret Service and roll down his windows, he'd find a city that has plenty to contribute to one of his chief extra-curricular interests. Sex doctors, sex movies, sex books, aphrodisiacs.... Agra's awash.

"Sex rogi mile har etvar (sex patients meet every Sunday)", "sust rogi mile har etvar (fatigued patients meet every Sunday)... screams Hakeem Usmani from hundreds of wall-ads in the city. Unfortunately, Mr Clinton is coming to town on Tuesday, March 22. Not to worry, 'ayurvedic physician' Dr A. Kumar Agarwal (Regd) conducts his sittings on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and promises a surefire cure to gupt rog for a happy married life.

Every small town in north India has its fair share of quacks guaranteeing sexual nirvana, but Agra seems to have more than most. Erectile problems, impotence, dysfunctionality, sexual fatigue, you-name-it... Agra's flying hakeems have a cure, and all for just Rs 15 (approximately 30 cents). Short of length? No problem. Premature ejaculation? No problem. From Hakeem Rehmat Elahi to Dr A. Choudhary ('Dilliwaale'), from Hakeem M.R. Haq to Hakeem Saleem, Agra's rolling in the haystack.

The hakeems' mugs stare from every inch of open space, pamphlets heralding their abilities are all over the place, autorickshaws blare out advertisements over the PA system. There is a roaring spin-off industry of maternity clinics, gynaecologists and paediatricians as well. And, as Mr Clinton will find out if he just took a short walk in the Shah Jahan gardens in the shadow of the Taj, abortion clinics, as well.

Unfortunately, most of the ads are in Hindi, and the only English letters Bill will see are 'STD'. Someone in the presidential entourage should explain that it doesn't stand for Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Question for Jay Leno: How did Clinton go to Jaipur from Delhi?

Answer: ViAgra!