Nancy Powell

What a day! Had to leave Calcut.....sorry, Kolkatta abruptly. Weather turned sultry but the welcome was chilly, frosty and what not. Must inform secretary of state John Kerry and senior staffers at Foggy Bottom, they must do a rethink on relations with India. Of course, State had told me about the diversity that was India. But the contrasts! Gujarat was just honey, milk and something called shrikhand. I had heard so much about Narendra Modi, who resembled a bearded New York mafia don. Modi desperately wanted to visit the US, he had been denied the visa twice. Well, we had denied visas to Pol Pot, Papa ‘Doc’ Duvalier and even a mellowed Fidel Castro. But Modi had won elections, dreams of becoming the PM, treated us royally and talked of nothing but ‘development’. The Republican senators and Congressmen were impressed. Gujarat was like Texas, everyone was rolling in money and demanding more. Since millions of Modi’s kith and kin were already doing business in the US running our motels, what was wrong in issuing visa to one more Motel Man Modi, I was repeatedly asked.

Calcutta was different. My trip ended before it even began. I don’t know what went wrong. Half the government agencies said I had an appointment with the chief minister. The others had no idea. And that included CM Madam Mamata, who could do with a professional hair-dresser and make-up person. Like that person who worked on Ms Taylor in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf and Cleopatra. You get me, don’t you?

John Kerry must ask himself how a person who could talk of paribortan but not lay her hands on an official invitation to the US ambassador. Had we known of Mamata prior to glasnost and perestroika days, we would have invited her to the US on an official VVIP visit because the Marxists were our bitter enemies too. Now we are pally with Putin, do business and politics with him while Mamata digs deep to bury those Marxists permanently in her state. I think the Boss should handle this situation himself and find a solution. I returned to Delhi after meeting the state governor M.K. Narayanan and some school kids who sang Bengali songs.

Our CIA guys discovered Mamata decided not to meet me because such a meeting could have offended sections of the local Muslims who view the US as anti-Islam. The situation was difficult to handle. I may return to Gujarat for more helpings of Amul shrikhand and Vadilal ice-cream. I can recommend them to the secretary and the president. They are any day superior to rosogolla and sondesh, which are supposed to be closer to paribortan.

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com