Jeffrey Immelt, CEO, GE

have to admit here that after the Fukushima disaster, we at General Electric are a disappointed lot. Not only were six of the reactors designed by us but we also now have to contend with all kinds of allegations and insinuations. Given the scenario, think-tanks at GE (after several days of discussion and empty gazing out of windows) have decided that it’s time we diversify into non-nuclear areas like film production. Which is exactly why I found myself on a flight to Mumbai. I was travelling incognito on a fake passport issued in the name of General Jeffrey Electric. I even wore an eye patch on my left eye a la Moshe Dayan so that I could pass off as a war veteran interested in producing Bollywood masala. But me, and things filmy? Well, the cover I was fed by two ’Nam veteran CIA operatives was that I was bowled over after seeing Raj Kapoor’s Bobby at a peep show in downtown Saigon. “Remember, Bobby is the name of a girl. So don’t get the gender wrong,” the CIA man called M advised me at JFK international. “The high point in the film,” he added, “is when the hero finds himself locked in a room with a pretty girl with the key safely lost in his trouser pocket.”

Anyway, once I reached Mumbai I checked into the Taj, ordered myself a gin and tonic and settled down to make some calls to Bollywood directors. First up I rang Karan Johar. “Oh General Electric,” he gushed, “would you like to come on my show Koffee With Karan? You know, it would really be great to pow-pow with a war veteran.” I quickly said no to any interviews and pointed out that what I wished to know was if he could direct a film for me. “Well, General,” he gushed again. “I have two scripts—one’s titled ‘Ready-Maid’ and the other ‘New Clear Day’. I even have a song for the second one. In translation it goes like this: ‘I feel like an electron/Round and round the nucleus I go.’ That’s pretty contemporary stuff, ain’t it?” I mulled over the lyrics and thought it was based on the Niels Bohr atom model. And anyway, ‘New Clear Day’ brought back thoughts of Fukushima.

A little later I dialled Ram Gopal Varma. “General Electricji, I have the perfect script. ‘Chain Reaction’ is about two gangs who fight over an N-reactor and they go at each other with cycle chains. Clever, no?” Well, what about something non-nuclear? “Of course,” he shot back, “a unique psychological drama called ‘Mere (Carl) Jung’ where the hero goes through mental trauma each time his ice-cream has a meltdown.” I hung up and as a last resort tried Mani Ratnam. “General Anna, I have the perfect story for you. ‘Radioactive’ is about a hero who owns several FM stations which play reactionary music recorded outside N-plants. But there’s one catch. I have already discussed the script with another US war veteran, General Daniel Motors....”

That did it! I ordered two double gins and decided to try my luck the next day. Hopefully, it won’t be another new clear day....

(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)