Interview | Radhika Apte on an actor’s powerlessness, and why she’s done ‘playing the game’

I was in Kolkata to prepare for Antaheen (2009), and I can’t remember clearly if it was a journalist or a filmmaker I’d met for coffee. I told them I didn’t know anyone in Kolkata – and they introduced me to Ashish Avikunthak. Ashish is an anthropologist, and the acquaintance told me he might be the right person to show me around the city. I was up for it, and I remember walking across Calcutta. We walked for days, he took me to many places and told me about its history. We became really good friends at the time, and he was visiting Pune – and he was working on a film. He asked me if I would appear in it, and I was obviously up for it! We shot on someone’s terrace, I think, for an evening. That was it! I think I haven’t spoken to him in years.

I didn’t have any plans to write+direct, I’ve mostly wanted to act! But I think I was frustrated with the kind of work that was being offered to me. I wanted to explore subjects that interested me. So, I took the plunge to write a short film and I enjoyed it so much that I decided it was something I wanted to do. I really enjoyed the writing process – I’m still learning, and I might be better than I was four years ago, but I’m good with characters. Since I’ve spent so much time on my own characters. It’s the plot and the writing in general that I need to become better at. I directed the short, and it was so fulfilling that I’m now itching to direct again. 

For anyone with an acting career, you are powerless for the most part. You’re choosing from what you’ve been offered. For the longest time, I’ve done work – some of which I’ve enjoyed, and I’m quite proud of – and the rest of the time it’s like going to the office. That’s a part of any profession, I guess, you can’t like 100% of what you’re doing.  

I quite like the feeling of being empowered with writing and directing. You obviously need to find someone to bankroll your initiative, but sometimes you find a like-minded producer and the whole thing becomes that much more enjoyable. I’m fortunate to have found such a producer for my next undertaking.

When was the last time I did something in Hindi cinema? I think it was Vasan’s film [Monica, O My Darling!]. I really had a ball. It’s sad that not enough people offer me comedy, I think I really enjoy doing it. Sister Midnight is a comedy. I think I haven’t done a lot of work in the last year or so. The problem is I’m not a big fan of violence and gore, just for the heck of it! I’m a bit bored by it – which doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t do it. I don’t think I can make a blanket statement. But I’m bored of supporting a male actor and having a tiny part to play in it. But then it contextually changes, right? For eg: my role in Monica wasn’t big, but it was so much fun!

If it’s a genuinely meaty part, it usually goes to someone more commercially successful. It’s about the numbers then, your box office or your social media. And I’m so done with social media! I used to be very active, because it played an integral part in our careers. But if I had to take one photograph, my entire day would go to waste. And there’s always the additional worry about having to look a certain way. I literally never wear make-up in real life, I couldn’t be bothered. So, I can’t do it anymore.

It’s why people do it at all. I used to get paid so much money! And I still would like to get paid that money, but it’s just a lot of effort. When I’m working in Bombay, I’ve found it is easier to do. You’re on set, and you have time to kill and you’re fooling around. You’re already in hair and make-up, and I’m not very good at taking pictures about my personal life. I forget it most of the time! When I’m walking on the road and I see people constantly taking selfies, I find it disturbing. I’m not one of those.

I’m sure I’m as vain as any other person, but I’ve never really enjoyed doing the whole social media routine. I’ve always hated it. The thing is – I really tried to play the game for eight years, I did it sincerely. I told myself, I’ll work hard and get the commercial viability so I can afford to do the smaller films. But the truth is, it doesn’t work that way. Even after you do get the commercial viability after a project, you have to keep it going and it’s like a non-stop game. So I just drew a line and said enough! I won’t do this anymore.  

It probably means the end of my career, because I've been offered less and less work in the last few years. They think that because I don’t live in India, I’ve given up acting. Or now that I have a child, it might be tricky to accommodate me. If this is the end, then so be it. I think I’ve realised that I can’t be one of those 24*7 celebrities. I try to do as much as I can, obviously. 

It’s just exhausting, where your commercial value has to be at a certain point. It’s hard. A lot of the work we do is not very [creatively] stimulating. Neither for your brain, nor for your craft. Can you imagine going through a lifetime of doing such work and then reflecting on it, when you’re old? I mostly went to the set hoping pack-up would happen soon. That’s just a miserable way of going through life. And then claiming how you’re doing something you love, but is it really true? 

The truth is I love performing, and I’d really enjoy parts that are stimulating. They happen rarely. I’m okay with doing one project a year, but let’s just say that it’s made me really unhappy to be ‘playing the game’. To keep maintaining status on social media, to attend all the parties, and basically going around telling people how ‘cool’ their next project sounds, and if they have a part for me in it. But the truth is it’s not cool, and I don’t want to kiss ass anymore.

(laughs) I feel so ashamed I can’t even tell you. It (the narration) changes, haan! Like there have been so many times where I was pitched this idea, and I was quite excited by it. They sent me the script, and I had so many issues with it – so I sent them my notes. I was assured that they were changing it. The script was rewritten, and I got it barely like a few weeks before we were supposed to go on the floors. I said: “What have you done?” I told them that I don’t agree with the ending, and they would have to change it. They reluctantly changed it, but the script was already so out of sorts. Me stepping out of that project means all the work of the team up until that point, and the tiny bit of finance that they’ve been able to raise, it all goes down if I leave. 

There was another film, I eventually fell out with them, where they told me that they were rewriting. I’m on the flight, and they tell me they’re still rewriting. When I got there, they hadn’t changed a thing. So, now do I leave? Or do I suck it up? 

Things change on the edit table, you might think you’ve shot for something and then you watch it and it’s something else. So, I think when people come up to me and ask ‘How could you do that?” – I find that really inappropriate. Firstly, I didn’t do it. And just look at the people you’ve cast? It’s a tricky situation. 

I’ll tell you something – it’s never happened where I thought something was not going to land, and it landed. I know exactly what’s going to happen when I’ve shot it, I think I have a good sense of that. I know when I have to disappear. I know when I’ve gone against my own value system to just do something. But I was promised something else, and no one knows that. They only see what’s in front of them. 

I guess you’re right that I should probably have stood up for myself and said “I’m leaving, I don’t give a shit!” But it’s really hard, yaar!

Sometimes, you just have to pay your bills. I’ve been writing for four years, I have a child, and I think I have a very moderate lifestyle. I don’t own a ridiculously expensive car, and I don’t even fly business-class, because I just find it absurd the amount of money for an 8-hr journey. I’d much rather hold on that money and do literally anything else with it. If someone is flying me down for work, sure, I could do business. But I’m also not someone who gets mobbed. It’s not necessary.  

So, despite my moderate lifestyle, you have to make a living. Sometimes you just want to write for two years without thinking about money, there are lots of reasons why one takes work. Having said that I’ve enjoyed the last decade – I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining about it. Even though there are many projects I don’t like, I’m glad I did it. I’m glad I dressed up ridiculously and went for those parties, or put up pictures on my social media. I have no regrets when I look back. I’ve met some incredible people along the way, every film that I’ve done – whether I’ve enjoyed it or not – I’ve met some good people on the sets.

It was really sad, but the actor who ended up replacing me (Rasti Farooq) is so brilliant, I think it ended up happening for the best. I had so much sadness about not doing it because of our political environment. But then I saw it and I think some of these things are destined, no? She was just so good in the film. I was obviously sad about not being able to do the film, but you know when you see something great, and you don’t wish to change a thing about it. I felt that after watching Joyland.

I haven’t been working for that long in the West, but I do feel like it’s going back a few years for me. I still haven’t built up my portfolio as an actor, you know? Sister Midnight is helping, and I hope Last Days does something as well. I was nominated for the BIFA (British Independent Film Awards) – which is a big deal here. And it’s led to me getting a couple of interesting offers, they’re small films. But the roles seem interesting. 

It’s not. If it’s a smaller part in the West, I might agree to do it. One, because I have to build my portfolio from the ground up. Nobody knows who I am. And over here, there are no big/small roles. Actors do all kinds of things. Back in India, it’s such a thing – where if you’ve become a ‘lead actor’, you completely freeze out any supporting parts. Over here, you’ll find even the most well-established actors doing tiny parts, it doesn’t have a larger consequence on the work you get offered otherwise.

Last Days came to me through my US agents. I couldn’t audition for the role because I was doing Sister Midnight around that time. They set up a meeting between me and Justin Lin (the director), and can I say that he’s just the kindest director I’ve ever had the chance to work with. It’s a big statement, but it’s also true. He’s the most compassionate and kind man I’ve ever worked with. It was a fantastic meeting with him. I didn’t know about Jon Allen Chau, and I hadn’t read the profile – but I just knew I wanted to work with this man. Then I read all about it, and thought it was fascinating.

Any industry goes through cycles where you’re focusing on action films or remakes, it goes up and down. Or at least that’s what I’ve gauged from the few decades of various film industries. But I definitely also think that compared to 2015-16, where I was getting offered a lot more interesting stuff and more brave projects were being made. I think we’re definitely struggling with that right now, where people are unable to find finances. I don’t think I have all the information to make a generalised statement or the data, but I can tell you from my personal experience where a lot of the ambitious stuff that I’m reading doesn’t have finance attached to it.  

Remakes, no offence to anyone, but I just don’t watch those films. I’m just not the audience for it, I guess. 

I wonder if it would be nice to study drama in England, but then it’s could’ve/should’ve. But then again, I have no problems with my career trajectory, whether it took me to where I wanted to go or not. I don’t think I got what I wanted in my career – because if you ask me what I want, I want to do work that stimulates me constantly, and it’s something I want to watch as a member of the audience. I’d like to keep learning, and be challenged. Unfortunately, it’s not what is happening at the moment. But I don’t regret anything, I’m very grateful. I think I can still study drama here, it’s not too late.  

*Last Days premiered at the Sundance film festival 2025