Censor Board Member

I angry. Why not? Laughed off by our chairman Leelaji Samson. How can she say 90 per cent board members “uneducated” and “embarrassment”? Ha, look at my degrees! From high universities like Dholk, Dandhuka, Rajnandgaon, Jhumritalaiya, Chota Ferozepur etc. All degrees quite fast, PhD three months, DSc in three-and-a-half weeks so on with the others. From primary school to PhD, all teachers, professors, vice-chancellors and PhD guides my jaatwalas, gaonwalas, same political party. One university delayed a degree, ha, taught them lesson with rasta roko, rail roko and bandh, they came running to my place, not one degree, but two!

Are we uneducated? Who is Leelaji Samson, sagiwali of some strongman in Bible, who very strong, she made him weak cutting off his hair, had him blinded. Ha, how can you trust aurat for big jobs? She says we are uneducated? I responsible Censor know my job, do it well. Grand Masti great film, so much about human body with or without clothes, why was not sent to Oscar entry? Why some bekaar, unknown film, some ‘Road’ sent? Grand Masti was educative, know that? Each dialogue had two, three, four meanings, that is education. Should be compulsory for langu­age, bhasha study, in schools and colleges. I said in my report to the censor board. And I am told I am ‘uneducated’.

I try educate the masses, after Grand Masti screening, so many of my chelas wanted to see the film. But no special screening for them, why? Policewala said no, chelas broke some lights, tore up seats in theatre. So what. They were right. Grand Masti film so much about Hindu culture and great tradition like Kamasutra. Leelaji called us “insensitive”. There is too much sense inside me, how can I be insensitive? So many members upset at Leelaji, protest against her, file deformation suits, we shall deform her. One of the censor board members degree from Wails University, he simply would not stop wailing at Leelaji’s bekaar bhasha.

Another member had an MA in three subjects, her university ran out of subjects for her fourth or fifth MA, so she went for her PhD and wrote 14 books, all published by herself. Why did Leelaji say that most of us neither read or write, cannot sign our names on scripts of films we were watching. Ha! We are first in claiming DA, TA due to us. So intelligent we saw new meanings into the films we watched, Rowdy Rathore taught us rural life, Chennai Express taught us how to speak Tamil, every Salman film important for body-building. We look for new angles in films we censor. Had to walk out during screening of Lunch Box because the usual lunch boxes for Board members not distributed on time. And Leelaji calls us insensitive.

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com