Amitabh Bachchan

Yet another season of Kaun Banega Crorepati is over. Which will give me some time to build an annexe to ‘Pratiksha’, my house in Mumbai. This is, of course, for a specific purpose—to store the 400 outfits which had been made for this ‘crorepati’. I am keeping them because there’s my acting career to think of. Fans have informed me my outfits on the show were ideal if I were to do roles like that of a postman, theatre usher, five-star restaurant waiter, parking attendant, hospital orderly, liftman etc. On some days, I had even worn overcoats which made me look like a Russian general on the warfront. That I can use them for my two-and-a-half minute role as Vasileyevich in the new Hollywood version of War and Peace (this role, incidentally, is longer by half a minute to the one I did in The Great Gatsby).

Some notes on the latest KBC now. This one’s not really a general knowledge quiz but an opportunity for the underprivileged from India’s neglected cowbelt to show their mettle and command over the rashtrabhasha. They need to know Hindi proverbs, quote couplets and so on. Even I’ll switch over to rustic rashtrabhasha. For if I, who is from Allahabad, did not help the underprivileged from the cowbelt, who will? Naturally, no one on the hot seat will develop cold feet and everyone will walk away with at least  `6.40 lakh or above. The questions will have to be framed in such a way that all this is made possible. The candidates from Bhagalpur or Bun­delkhand will always be asked questions pertaining to their regions. I don’t want Cro­repati to be an intellectual exercise, it’ll be my own version of the Garibi Hatao pro­gramme, and will be more effective than anything launched by the Gandhi family.  

The participants must have just one quality, love and affection for me and the Bachchan name. This already comes through in the show. Men and women, boys and girls, they all fall at my feet, hug me, dedicate couplets to me, bring me gifts. They ooh-aah at every opportunity. I have a great time flirting with the female participants (the Katrinas and Kareenas say they cannot romance a 70-year-old, but KBC has compensated for it all). From next year, I will also ask the sponsors to build a small temple with my idol in it on the set so that every participant can first worship there and do aarti before entering the stage. I think I deserve such adulation. And even Computerji agrees with me!

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com