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Viagra of the Illicit

Like sexual performance, marital performance also improves with a touch of insouciance and a lot more of laughter.

Viagra of the Illicit
Viagra of the Illicit
outlookindia.com
-0001-11-30T00:00:00+0553
When I was young, we were taught the first important lesson in sexual mores: be a gentleman to your wife and a man to the woman you love. The underlying assumption was: wives expect a certain kind of sexual reserve from their husbands. Stick to that. Never violate that. Give them children, look after them with respect and love. Protect them, care for them, make them feel safe and wanted. That is family. Treat it like family. If it is sex you want, fun and excitement in the artistry of making love, choose another woman. She could be a friend, a colleague, someone else's wife or mistress, it does not really matter. What matters is that she is your friend and not your wife. So you need not worry overmuch about form or protocol or sexual reserve. Herein lies the rub. If you ask Indian wives what they think about their husbands, they will tell you how charming and gallant they are as people but how lousy they are as lovers. Now, if that makes you jump to the conclusion that Indian men are sexual under-performers, you have obviously got the wrong end of the stick. Indian husbands are not the same as Indian males. They are conservative, tight-arsed, sexually wary. They look at their wives with the same kind of respect and awe with which they look at their mothers, sisters, daughters. They rarely mess around with them, as they would with (say) other women. Real women. As a result, Indian women find their husbands decent guys meant to be loved and respected but not exactly the kind of men who can dredge out and fulfil their deepest and wildest sexual fantasies. If you poll them, these wives will also tell you how much they love their husbands but how disappointing they find them in bed. Maybe that is why so many of them stray today. Now, go ahead and poll the other woman. She will tell you exactly the opposite. She will tell you how wonderfully sexy the Indian male is. How he can transform even an illicit relationship into something amazingly strong, real, full-blooded and sexually rewarding. Yes, he is a bit of a rogue. He cheats on his wife. He looks for rishtas outside of marriage. He is demanding but is unable to give enough in return. Well, all men are a bit like that. Look at the fabled Latin lover. He is as much a rogue and far less sensitive, far less trustworthy. That is why, all said and done, give the devil his due: the Indian male is a charming lover. Horns and spiked tail and all. Sexually challenged? Don't be silly. Never! It depends on how you choose to see him. And from which perspective. For an Indian wife, her husband is usually a safe, boring, caring person, full of sexual hypocrisies. But, then, so is she. She is also a safe, boring, caring person who spends most of her life pretending that sex is never on her mind. In fact, given half a chance, she pretends that sex does not exist at all outside of procreation. She loves to play mother or nanny to her husband. She does not even care to challenge any other woman in his life for she sees her as ephemeral, irrelevant and very rarely marriage-threatening. Instead, she would rather challenge her mother-in-law, whom she perceives as a deeper threat to her marital bliss. So, how can you expect sex to be central to such a relationship? The physical bond the two share can be best described as tokenism. You have sex not so much because you want to. You have sex because it is one of those things that come with marriage. Free. Like table lamps, plastic lemonade sets and snotty kids. You have no option but to take it as it comes. That is the attitude. So why blame him alone? Why call him a lousy lover? He is as good a lover as his wife ever allows him to be. But if you forget the wife and look at his sexual relationships outside of marriage, now that is a totally different picture! There you will see him for what he actually is: adventurous, dashing, generous, loads of fun. He is another man altogether. Raised on the rich tradition of Bhartrhari and Vatsyayana, the Kamasutra and the Gita Govinda. Just as the Indian woman is, outside of her marriage. She is sexy. She is vivacious. She is full of fun and mischief. She is possibly the most wonderful, most enchanting woman in the whole world once she drops her pallu and stops playing dutiful nursemaid and obsessive mother-substitute. Give her half a chance and I believe she, like the Indian male, can sexually outperform your wildest imagination. All she needs to shed, like him, is the cant, the pretences, the ennui and admit to each other that there is nothing really shameful about having a good time. In bed or out of it. As for marriages, I think they will bond better once we stop taking them so dropdead seriously. Like sexual performance, marital performance also improves with a touch of insouciance and a lot more of laughter and delight. Once we recognise that, Indian men and women can stop judging each other and begin to accept themselves for what they actually are. Very fine lovers, if only they would stop playing husband and wife all the time.
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