July 25, 2020
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Tusshar Kapoor

I have learnt this much—even if your face can’t register emotions, your butt can, provided you work at it

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Tusshar Kapoor
Illustration by Sorit
Tusshar Kapoor

I am walking on air, I am floating. And where else can I describe my feelings except in this ‘secret diary’. My dad Jeetendra did very little ‘acting’ but was famous for his dancing feet and was called ‘Jumping Jack’. I, his illustrious son, followed the same non-acting trail but life sure has changed after the Page 1 story in Mumbai Times, ‘i was excited about showing my butt’. Didi Ekta’s forthcoming film, Kyaa Super Kool Hain Hum, shows me coming out of the sea and flashing my bare bum. It is a spoof on another butt star, John Abraham, but I feel more like Hollywood star Ursula Andress emerging from the sea in Dr No.

After so many flop films, I have learnt this much—even if your face can’t register emotions, your butt can, provided you work at it. For months, I trained my butt, going on a special diet which included grilled meat, egg whites, bajra rotis, no sugar and veggies. Just one glass of water in three days because I did not want my bum muscles to puff up. The film is all about shocking, bold humour, and I’m sure it’ll be a box-office smash. The prospects are endless, I could even bag a number of the ‘Best Butt’ film awards...I may even get invited to the 2013 Cannes Film Festival for a butt show.

Now it’s not really a butt scene but a butt-flashing scene but I’m sure audiences will lap it up, demand more of the same. In Kya Super Kool..., I am a struggling actor and the butt flash is intended to impress my girlfriend, Neha Sharma, for I’m so macho, you see. Off set, I even challenged her to a butt duel scene, but she did not agree. Ha, who can beat my butt? Now a li’l secret, the film’s other actors, Ritesh Deshmukh and Chunkey Pandey, also wanted to flash their butts, but Didi Ekta put her foot down. After all, a bhai’s butt was the best butt of all. Fortunately, Anupam Kher was not in the butt scene. As a BJP follower, he felt it was against Hindu tradition and culture!

Kyaa Super Kool... will also have some super-cool butt songs like ‘Bum Bum diga diga’ and a take-off of an old Naushad saab waltz from the 1950 film, Dastaan, ‘Derriere..derriere...derriere’ (the original lyrics were ‘Tara re...yaara re...). These songs will surely be chartbusters. Some tweets have made fun of the butt theme. So what? Sheer jealousy. An actor, Nawazuddin Siddiqui, even told the media that actors like John and me flaunted our butts because “hamare paas substance nahin hain”. Ha, once he sees this film, he will quickly realise that I have lots of substance, equally distributed in two places. The film will change our views on the human anatomy. So far, the term ‘twin peaks’ applied only to women. After Kya Super Kool..., people will not be able to ignore the rear view either. In fact, I myself am undergoing special therapy so that I can twist my neck around and appreciate the beauty of my own twin assets.

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com

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