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Trashes 2001

Vivan Bhatena goofs it up, Vikram Chandra's never-ending book, Sidhuisms and more...

Trashes 2001
outlookindia.com
-0001-11-30T00:00:00+0553
Mr India Vivan Bhatena: During the talent round at Mr International contest the pretty boy said: "On the 26th of January 1946, India became an independent country..." We’re sure he had half a mind to change the statement. But then, he only had half a mind.

Author Vikram Chandra: Some people will do anything to be in the news. You may have heard of writers reading out aloud from their books. But this one read out an incomplete manuscript to a biscuit-and-tea audience, two years ago. He hasn’t finished the book yet, but gave a quote to a paper this year, "...it’s between the middle and the end". Maybe he should call it ‘Groin’.

Navjot Singh Sidhu: This man can kill you with his English. Among the more unforgettable arrows from his quiver that "bamboozled" us are: "Oh that was sweetly timed, sweeter than Tutti-Frutie"; "Harvinder Singh has really begun well. As you know, a good lather is half the shave." But our choice of the most lethal one: "Ifs and buts are like pots and pans, there’ll be no tinkers without ’em."

Patriotism in Bollywood: This year saw the super success of an unfortunate film which predictably started with the rape of a poor extra (how else can you show the curse of Partition?). Patriotism was expressed by a hollering Sunny Deol who went to Pakistan (by hiding behind rocks along the border) and said, Hindustan Zindabad and as a brave compromise, Pakistan Zindabad too. Gadar set in motion a few more films in the genre, one complete, others in the making, which attack Pakistan with what Pentagon calls ‘Dumb bombs’.

Fardeen Khan: Poor fellow was searching for Anthrax in Mumbai and someone gave him Cocaine at which instance the narcotics wing caught him. But the good thing is, as we said in these pages earlier, Fardeen has moved from coke to Pepsi.
Family soaps: Improvising on a Woody Allen line of wisdom, in India they don’t throw the garbage out. They make them into TV serials.

Veejays: What do you call lobotomy in a veejay? Appendectomy. This year the inchoate tribe did nothing to disprove the theory. Moronic men and women who should have studied harder at school spoke this year reading from tele-prompters, packaging canine crap in the name of popular culture.

God: After collecting all those offerings, just where the hell was he this year?

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