On Obama: "Barack Hussein Obama. That sounds like Iraq, Hussein, Osama!"
On his mother: "My ammijaan is a typical Bihari aunty, she can have a half-hour phone conversation with just three words: haan, ji, achcha, and they all mean the same thing!"
On Kashmir: "How much of the fighting is about Kashmir, and how much about mere cash?"
Hollywood's stereotyping of Muslims: "In Hollywood films, the Muslim men are always terrorists, and Muslim women are always oppressed! If they actually bothered to investigate a Muslim household, they'll find it's exactly the opposite!"
On why Indians can never be on time: "I always wondered about this: how can you speed everywhere and be late for everything? It's because we use the same word for yesterday and tomorrow! What's yesterday? Kal! Tomorrow? Kal! That's a 72-hour period!"