Fifteen years no films, no diary. Now one film, so diary.
Illustration by Sorit

This secret diary I write after 15 years. Fifteen years no films, no diary. Now one film, so diary. Also secret diary, no show even to Boney. Secret is secret, write not in English but Vinglish. Now I am a hit film, so happy, Boney is happy, Jahnavi is happy. India is happy. Balki said success mine, I seek copyright for film. Ha, why only copyright? Will apply for ‘filter kaapi right’.

Vinglish film hit film. One critic said if he saw two films this year it means he watched Vinglish twice. A good critic, not easy to find. Can give life-long free passes for him and family. But I not happy, one hit film too many copycats. Everyone wants same kind of film. Sent me scripts ‘Hindi Vindi’, ‘Kannada Vannada’, ‘Telugu Velugu’, ‘Bengali Vengali’, and more. One Sridevi to make so many such films? Chaalbaaz, two Sridevis Vinglish movies? Twenty roles, ha, steal formula from Mr India, invisible and disappear. Kamalahaasan suggested new version of Chaalbaaz, he play two girls, I play Vinglish speaking cabbie. No big deal, told him off.

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Many questions to answer. Vinglish permanent comeback? Daughters in films? What about Mr India II? Competition tough, RGV making same film, formula adulterated by villain (played by Amitabh) and those who touched it turned into dogs. Ugh, Amitji ignore such roles but learnt already rehearsing barks for the movie! Dog eat dog competition in Bollywood. My Mr India sequel, bad guy Mogambo conquered only by heroine who can let loose a torrent of Vinglish!

Changes in 15 years? For heroes, no acting. Only muscles and empty heads. For women, little acting, no clothes. TV same, watched dance show, Jhalak Dikhla Ja, almost nude dancing or jumping around, doing gymnastics. Gosh, old rival Madhuri a judge! What a fall! Why leave US, drag a successful handsome doctor hubby to dirty Mumbai and compete for movie roles? 

Rat Race would be ideal Bollywood movie? No, no movies for daughters, whatever Boney says. Look at Esha. Star parents, yes, but made more flop movies than even Abhishek B, then got married. Good lesson. Will take daughters’ horoscopes, go to Matunga, consult leading vadhyars and settle marriages typical south Indian style. No, Boney, sorry, no Dilwale dulhaniya kind of Punju wedding for daughters. 

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Good news to end secret diary. Just signed Hindi-Vindi version of Chaalbaaz. Anju will speak English, Manju Vinglish. Location shooting in Stratford-upon-Avon, Lake district, Daffodil land. Made for international market, world release and so on. Also an intellectual TV serial with Aamir Khan probing our social conscience on issue of downtrodden rural masses. Phew!

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT

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