28 January 2013 Society The Secret Diary of

Asaram Bapu

The lawns in other godmen’s ashrams yielded only grass, mine yielded human skeletons.
Asaram Bapu
Illustration by Sorit
Asaram Bapu

Hari Om! Jai Ram, Jai Krishna! Why should godmen keep secret diaries, some may wonder. But I am not a godman, I am god. The lawns in other godmen’s ashrams yielded only grass, mine yielded human skeletons. If that doesn’t prove I am god, what does! Before I forget, it is worrying that the standards of English language are going down. For the past fortnight or so, messages to me spell my name as ‘Assaram’ Bapu or ‘Arseoram Bapu’. If this can happen to a god, we are in for bad times.

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All this controversy about me insulting the memory of that girl is just humbug. I, overflowing as I am with the milk of human kindness, would never make such statements. With understanding and kindness, the world can march ahead. If that girl had gone to a temple rather than to a movie, she would be alive today. Those men in the bus would have known she had just been to the abode of god and left her alone. Better still, she could have gone to my ‘satsang’ which would have anointed her with a touch of divinity (my women disciples have told me about this). But she chose to visit a cinema hall...and you know what that’s like.

My advice to everyone is simple. The people of Delhi know they have to say their prayers before entering city buses. Girls ought to know they have to say their prayers before venturing out anywhere—school, college, office, malls, gardens and so on. Who do they expect will protect them from danger? The Delhi police? Don’t make me laugh. Only god can do that job. Of course, in that I stand unique among gods and godmen. Mind you, I don’t have to call myself double names like Asa Asa Ram Bapu like that ‘Sri Sri’ fellow. Some idiots want action against me. For what? I only suggested what that girl should have done in the bus. And who will take action against me? Let the ignorant attend my satsang and look at the VVIP enclosure. It is packed with ministers, leaders from all parties, bureaucrats, judges, Bollywood stars,  media stars and so on. How can they punish me when they are all afraid of my powers and queue up to receive my prasad? Did they take any action when skeletons sprouted in my ashram lawns? I tell you, we are the most powerful group in the nation without even constituting a votebank.

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Forget god and godmen and come down to earth. Want to know why I am so powerful? I belong to the most powerful category of ‘Rams’ in India. Ayaram, Gayaram, Asaram, get it? We are the ones who twist the country between our little fingers. Add to that I have the second name, ‘Bapu’. I tell you, the young victim of the Delhi bus incident is already blessed, and that’s because I talked about her. There are millions of other such unspoken-of girls in India, but there can be only one Assaram, I mean Asaram Bapu.

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com

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