Arise, Adductor

“With all my heart I admire, / athletes who sweat for fun or hire”

So says Ogden Nash in his Confessions of a Born Spectator and shall I say that the season of the spectator is officially open. There are tennis fans, cricket fans, and then there are football fans—passionate, loud and fat. Passionate and loud because of the game they follow and fat from the interminably sedentary watching. I obviously don’t have any­thing to back my sweeping statement on the expanding waistlines of this fan club but late-night games, sorry, watching the late-night games while lounging on the sofa, watching people get hurt on the field (and act hurt) and catching glimpses of hyperactive coaches and sprightly WAGs can be a waste of the muscle tone. Muscle, after all feeds off fat, and being a spectator means the exact opposite of playing the game. It is not about kicking the ball from the centre to midfield, dodging opponents, sprinting and striking the goal. It is about staying glued. Glued to the seat and to the TV set. If one is action, the other is watching the action.

Yoga texts were not written when football matches were being played, or else Patanjali would have seriously debated describing the spectator’s state of mind as ‘ekagrata’. A state where you are so fixed to a ball that is continents away that you are oblivious of your environs, your sleep and your appetite. Since I am a boring sports nutritionist, I am going to list what you can do to enjoy the ongoing football fever without falling sick. So that this season doesn’t score a 5-1 on you, here goes:

• FIFA may have forced Brazil to lift the beer ban but beer, especially when consumed on nights over tonnes of argument and heart-wrenching moments, turns to heart-burn.
• Eat before you watch the game. The players need to fuel their muscle; you, the brain so that it can watch, analyse and win football trivia quizzes with friends.
• No, don’t call the pizza delivery guy; instead, roast some makhana in ghee and munch on it. Munching and the crackling sound in your jaw is known to reduce stress and can help keep your head when the mighty are made to bite the dust. (My thoughts lie with La Roja.)
• Drink up. By that I mean water. TV viewing, keeping track of the game on the FIFA website, throwing up your hands at critical points, arguing with and texting friends—and doing all this together, makes for dehydration. Your favourite game also acknowledges the need for ‘cooling off’ in hot Brazil, so you, in this tropical climate of ours, need plenty of it.
• If this was a fitness book, I would have written things like ‘Sitting is the new smoking’, but this is a column and football addicts mean people who sit for longer than 90 minutes at one spot. So what can I say—9.30 pm, 11.30 pm and 1.30 am—but walk around between the matches. If you want to kick some ball, make sure the adductors—the kicking muscle on the insides of your thigh—is not too strained and drained with all the sitting.
• Tiki Taka is best forgotten but paneer, arbi or aloo tikki is a good idea to refuel those tired eye nerves, brains and that back, which is tired from all that sofa-lounging. It’s just right on the glycemic index and will let you watch without feeling like catching a wink.

So people, what can I say but borrow Nash’s words again:

Athletes I will drink to you, eat with you, or anything, except compete you.
And reassure myself anew that you are not me and I am not you.

Celebrity dietician Rujuta Diwekar’s new book is Don’t Lose Out, Workout