CAG’s Doniv Rye

y killer line at parties goes something like this: “Rye’s the name. Accounting is my game.” They say it goes down well, helps break the ice with most folks. But that apart, I am proud to note that my name and my team’s work in the 2G scam and other swindles (including misuse of electricity by students studying late into the night) has won us many fans worldwide. In fact, a pleasant surprise was when US Republican senator Jon Kyl called to seek our help in going through government account books to enlighten his party on how the US economy has tanked and why total debt has touched a staggering $14.3 trillion.

Well, this was a new challenge. I called my team who admitted that a week in Washington as guests of the Republican Party wasn’t such a bad idea (certainly better than a weekend in Shimla). So twelve of us (the dirty dozen if you want government departments in India) took off on a chartered flight. Our mission: to teach those Yank conservatives a thing or two about accounting. And did we deliver! Just two days into looking at the books we hit pay dirt. “Mr Rye,” said an excited Vishwanathan (who believes he figures where it counts), “we have already stumbled on terrific stuff. It will zap Mr Kyl.” So, what was good ol’ Vishy getting so worked up about? Without much ado, let me share some of the team’s findings:

The balance of ‘pavements’ scam: this cost the US exchequer billions of dollars. Across the nation, pedestrian paths were laid two inches lesser in width than what was accounted for. Not just that, edges in several places were found to be at a rakish angle, making pavements slippery and leading to senior citizens hurting themselves. This in turn led to Medicare obligations, compounding the fiscal burden.

NASA’s secret space programmes: State money was spent lavishly to send unmanned missions to Mars to explore whether cabbages can be grown on the red planet. Analysis of the data collected revealed that potatoes may stand a better chance although nights on the planet is far colder than in Texas.

CIA overspending: Scrutiny of accounts showed that government funds were wasted on chewing gum, burgers, water pistols and toy grenades. Several agents also holidayed in Kovalam on government funds. Why, they even flew into Thiruvananthapuram claiming they were on a mission to overthrow the then Left government!

Import of Indian bulbs: Though US firms do produce quality lighting equipment, hundreds of tonnes of onion bulbs were imported at inflated prices from Nashik. While being critical of such imports, one must add that electric bulbs neither go well with salads or mutton-do-pyaza. Conversely, onions don’t light up when fitted on a lamp holder.

There were other revelations too which I can’t disclose. But I am happy to report that when we shared our findings with Senator Kyl, he was very impressed and gifted our team with a lifetime supply of Mars chocolate bars....

(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)