Open Door Policy

I heard someone say once that humanity can be divided into two groups: those who like to divide humanityinto two groups and those who don't. Perhaps so, but the second group needs to be further subdivided toaccommodate those who divide humanity into three or more groups.

Take the fact for instance that roughly speaking, people fall into two broad categories: male and female.But the eagle eyed will notice that they may be further subdivided into those for and against opening doorsfor others or having doors opened for them.

This was brought home to me the other day as I sat chatting with my friends - let us call them Paul and Ann- at the dinner table. We had just dispatched a healthy California dinner in which tofu and wine had playedprominent roles. Ann was talking about the man she was dating.

"The second time we went out," she said, "I offered to split the check at the end of themeal. He declined, which was a good thing. Otherwise I wouldn't have gone out with him again."

Plain speaking is always refreshing, even shocking as in this instance. In a world filled with people whowaffle and equivocate, such candor must be prized above rubies. Of course, Paul and I groaned but only becauseit was expected.

"So you laid a trap to see if he would fall into it ?" Paul demanded. "Why offer to pay ifyou didn't mean it ?"

"Not at all" Ann was unruffled "I fully intended to pay if he had accepted my offer. But hisacceptance would have told me he was not the man for me."

"Why is that ?" I wanted to know.

"Because men should pay for women. It shows they care for the woman." Ann said helping herself toa piece of burfi.

"So you wanted him to brush off your offer ?" Paul asked.

"I wouldn't quite put it like that but, in effect, yes."

"You know Ann, in this country, some women can get very upset at such behaviour from men. It makesthem suspect they are being treated like an object." Paul began. "I was going into a post officeonce. I held the door open for three old ladies so they could enter. They were very pleased and commented onhow refreshing and unusual it was to find such courtesy in a man nowadays. But the next day I did the same fora colleague, a woman I had known for a long time. And she gave me such a tongue-lashing I could hardly believemy ears."

Ann made a face and after a while the conversation moved to other things.

But there you have it. Between Paul, me, Ann and this alleged colleague of his we seem to have all thecategories exhausted so far as genders and door opening sympathies are concerned.

(Allow me a digression here for a second and express my admiration for the male with not only the courtesy- or chivalry, if you prefer - to spring to doors a step ahead of whatever female is unfortunate enough to bein his company but - and this is the crucial skill I lack and envy those who have it - the dexterity and whatmay be called the motor farsightedness to invariably be on the correct side to hold the door open withoutblocking it with his body. Believe me it is easier said than done, a feat of footwork and hand-eyecoordination that would put a Wimbledon champion to shame.)

Coming back to the topic at hand, let me repeat after Dr. Freud, what is it that women want? To open doorsor not to open doors ? Is it nobler to show that one cares a la Ann or to avoid seeming patronisation as thegood colleague demanded? Now I know what you are going to say. That women are individuals, no two alike.Different women may want to be treated differently just as men can be Republicans and Democrats, gay orstraight, leg-men or ... well never mind.

But notice how rarely a man will break a relationship off just because his political sympathies weremisconstrued unlike an Ann who would dump a man for not paying or a 'colleague' who would do the same if hetried to brush off her offer to pay in a misguided fit of patriarchal patronisation.

The American workplace has - under threats of lawsuits - become such an antiseptic place that the only safeassumption for a man is that his female colleagues are similar to Paul's colleague. Despite this, the sexualdrive in some men is so strong that they are forced to emulate the male praying mantis - taking their life inhand to win favour from the unfair sex.

Here's my own take on this: Try and make a guess - based on such random observations as the length of theheels and the colour of the lipstick - whether a given female person falls in category A or B and tailor yourbehaviour accordingly. Occasionally, even frequently, you will be wrong and bring upon yourself the coldshoulder or the dressing down. If that happens, move on, after raising a mental middle finger.

The author has been advised to write under a pseudonym by those of his well-meaning women friends who worrythat some of their sisters might take umbrage at being depicted in such an unfavourable light.