Dickie Bird O.B.E.

I am 80-plus and normally fearless but for the first time I am scared. After my early morning walk, I entered my regular Indian cafe to have breakfast. But there was no smile on the manager’s face. My favourite waiter turned his back and muttered, “Sorry, we can’t serve you here. Management orders.” What was happening? I knew a lot of friends in the cafe but today everyone avoided looking at me. Puzzled, I walked out. It was an area thickly populated with Indians who usually greeted me with friendly smiles. As I walked slowly along, I thought I heard hisses. At an Indian shop which sold magazines and  prominently displayed an Outlook issue with Sachin on the cover, I heard someone snap, “Hey, Bird, you are a bird-brain.” The entire locality, it seems, was bristling with anger. Another shock awaited me when I returned home. The outer walls were filled with graffiti. ‘Bird, fly away’, ‘Stuff your World XI in your a--e’, and several more.

When I opened the door, there lay the same copy of Outlook. I glanced through the pages. It was brought out by someone calling himself sports scholar. Why on earth did I forget to call myself an ‘umpiring scholar’? Or Bjorn Borg a ‘tennis philosopher’, Usain Bolt a ‘sprinting philanthropist’? I think it was Outlook’s tribute to a hero-turned-40, Sachin. Some blokes who had ‘little knowledge and less common sense’ had rated Sachin above Don Bradman and I had a good laugh. Once an umpire, always an umpire. I had to be fair and unbiased, so how could I accept statements like “In terms of Test runs scored, the Indian batting line-up with Sachin in it was the equal of, if not better than, Bradman’s 1948 Invincibles who toured England undefeated.” Why not compare this great team’s victory rate with that of the Aussies? In 1948, the touring Australians played non-stop cricket from May to September, won almost 90 per cent of their matches, swamped England 4-0—all on pitches which were green tops, under murky skies and a new ball taken after 55 overs! I like the Indians, but I don’t think their ‘fabulous’ batting combination would have scored even 100 runs in a single innings. O, flattery, why dost thou have no limits?

The issue is full of ‘sports scholars’, one of whom compared Sachin with their Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh. Another celebrity Indian filmstar who often underrates himself (and got more publicity for it) confesses he hadn’t achieved half of what Sachin had. But in his 70s, it seems he’s trying to catch up appearing in more and more commercial ads—cookies, noodles, honey, gold and what not. Now I understood the Indian community’s fury. I did not include Sachin in my World XI but then, being an umpire, I had to be fair. I may  however issue an additional list to escape public lynching.

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com