Lakshmi

Perhaps I should explain that normally buffaloes don’t keep diaries, let alone one of the secret variety. But I am special, that too in a state where it could be said that buffaloes are far more intelligent and in demand than human beings. You see, I keep my eyes and ears open and know that people here value female buffaloes more than girl children. This point is easily proved—while other states hold beauty contests for women, in our parts they hold it for buffaloes. In fact, I won the Best Buffalo contest in nearby Punjab’s Muktsar town where thankfully judges didn’t ask silly questions about world peace and what I would do for mankind and so on. There were no Bollywood scouts hanging around either. The judging was simple, my milk yield counted for points and judges announced Rs 3 lakh in prize money.

No wonder farmer Kapoor Singh shelled out Rs 2.5 lakh two years back when he bought me. No Haryanvi hanky panky, a straightforward deal. Yet, there were bound to be rumours about the ownership of a top-class buffalo like me. One of them was that someone called Robert Vadra from Delhi had a hand in my purchase and was spotted in the act by a bureaucrat which led to his 54th transfer in four years. Anyhow, there will always be rumours about prize breeds. But one thing’s for sure, Haryanvis know how to treat their buffaloes. Former deputy prime minister Devi Lal even had his favourite buffaloes shifted to Delhi when he was in ‘power’. And once when questions were raised about his infrequent presence in Parliament, he informed prime minister Chandra Shekhar that he had to be present when his buffaloes were being milked. Such is the love between man and buffalo in this wonderful state.

Haryana doesn’t even have any khap panchayats for its buffaloes. In fact, the media was present in full strength when I was sold for Rs 25 lakh to an Andhra farmer. My new owner, Rajiv Sarpanch, is not a bad sort but there’s too much talk about Andhra Pradesh and Telangana. With my beauty, prestige and milk yield, I am only afraid whether both regions may demand my presence. 

Leaving Haryana will be sad. Kapoor Singhji had arranged a terrific farewell sparing no expenses—2,000 guests from all over the state attended. Still, who knows, Andhra Pradesh could be better. I am told it is a film-crazy region and there’s apparently some enterprising Telugu producer who wants to feature me in an expensive film, ‘Benz aur Badmash’ on the lines of a Haathi mere Sathi and Ghai aur Gowri. Hopefully, the film will have foreign locales including Spain where I hope to meet some interesting, handsome bulls. The Haryana khaps may not like it, but I am told that Andhra culture is far more liberal.

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com