For A Few Good Men

It’s the Ally McBeal syndrome. Every Wednesday on television, thirtysomethingMcBeal argues her cases intelligently, has a career on the upswing, is well liked by herpeers, is considered reasonably attractive, knows how to have a good time and bonds wellwith friends of both sexes. Yet a meaningful relationship-let alone marriage-eludes this21st century woman, episode after episode. And to add insult to injury, her ex-boyfriendnot only works in the same firm as her but is happily married to a colleague. It’s astory that is finding a familiar echo in urban India. Women in their late twenties andthirties are increasingly finding it difficult to get men they can marry.

What’s gone wrong? According to the last national census, there are more men perwoman in India. Yet the cities tell a story of women whose intention to marry is thwartedby just one fact: there just aren’t enough men to go around in the maritalsweepstakes. Says Lynne Fernandez, 37, managing trustee at the Bangalore-based Nrityagram:"I guess it has to do with the fact that women are more educated and economicallyindependent now and so can say it’s their choice to wait for the right man."

That’s one good reason. While no research is available, upper middle class,English-medium-educated women in the last 15 years have evolved tremendously. Balancingbank balances on one hand and babies on the other has required a certain amount of mentaland physical dexterity. Men, by and large, are still caught up in old stereotypes. SaysMohita Singh, 31, whose attempts at finding a life partner has proved unsuccessful so far,"A lot of men are mama’s boys who can’t take a stand in life. Women nolonger want to take that kind of crap."

That may even be a broad generalisation, but the truth of the matter is that men stillfall in that classic stereotypical trap. Even if it may no longer be as rigid and obviousas it was in earlier generations, women are still expected to take care of the house, thechildren, factor in the in-laws and earn a salary. Men are just bread winners. Lord andmaster of their world. Says psychiatrist Sanjay Chugh, "Men have stuck to the samerate of evolution. If we take it in percentage, men are at 5 per cent whereas women areevolving at 200 per cent rate. Hence this discrepancy." Adds Urvashi Butalia,publisher, Kali for Women, "It’s due to the women’s movement. Women haveoutstripped men in many, many spheres. That’s why it has become difficult to findpartners. Men are somewhat scared of dealing with this new kind of woman."

With such odds, compatibility is now a serious issue. As is women who are seen to beindependent. Says Shalini Vashisht, 31, a model-turned-stylist, "There are very fewmen who can accept your independence. Men are so insecure."

If the balance is skewed now, it has a lot to do with changing priorities for women.Says Sheila Maryse Panjwani, 35, who runs a furniture business in Bangalore, "Womenare looking for a loving companion and not a provider. Women used to marry for monetaryreasons earlier. Now, we have our money and there is social independence. In the sense Ican go to parties alone, sans escort." Like 31-year-old Sunila Awasthi of Delhi does.A corporate lawyer by profession, Awasthi doesn’t wait to be picked up or dropped.Says she, "I am as capable of taking care of myself as a man. If there is trouble, aman won’t be able to do much, will he?" This in a city where women areconsidered unsafe even in broad daylight.

But is marriage still relevant? Men are no longer required to play their main roles ofbeing providers and protectors. So is it still the most important stage in a woman’slife? Does being single mean that you have been left on the shelf, that there is somethingwrong with you hence no one was willing to marry you, that as a single woman you remainunfulfilled? Says Archana Jaiswal, 38, "It’s more about personal enquiry ratherthan external pressure. You feel more isolated when you go to a wedding or when you comeback to an empty house." Adds Mumbai-based Deepanita Singh, 28, "A lot of timeswomen settle down because they feel they are getting on in life, getting old and there istoo much pressure."

Marriage remains relevant for these women not just because that’s how it hasalways been done in India but because having a companion is a primeval need, with orwithout the legal tag. Success by itself makes for a poor companion and friends move on.Television actress/director/producer Neena Gupta, who shocked the country by having achild out of wedlock, is still hoping for marriage as she confessed on a show ontelevision. Says Sunita Advani, 34, who works in Mumbai with a garment export firm,"I didn’t get married at the so-called appropriate age but now I am open to theidea. As an afterthought, I should have started early. We are not in America. We live in asociety where there is a particular age to get married. The kind of society we live inlays a premium on marriage."

Men, that vital ingredient for getting married, are in somewhat short supply-at leastthe kind one can get hitched to. Says Jaiswal, who recently placed a matrimonial ad in aleading daily, "What I have done is sensible. Giving an ad opens up a much largerplaying field. How many men could I have met socially? The biggest problem in this wholething is, how do you reach the right man?" Awasthi even tried the Net to meet the manof her dreams. She says of that experience, "I did a fair amount of surfing but mostof the men were settled abroad and I don’t want to go abroad. After all that I havebuilt up here financially, I am not willing to start from the bottom of the ladder allover again."

Some, like Deepika Shiromany, 31, were luckier. This ex-model and now a successfulcomputer graphics designer, met her husband-to-be through friends. But she went to themeeting with the clear intention of getting married. It took little time for them to reachthat conclusion that they were indeed compatible. Says Shiromany, "I was ready to getmarried so I worked towards it. I have arranged my own marriage." Arranged marriagesare no longer taboo but with a rider: sufficient time to check out the compatibilityquotient. And with remarkable emancipation, most of these women look for grooms on theirown (putting in the ads, calling up prospective men, meeting up), even if they usetraditional methods like matrimonial ads to look for life partners. But, says Awasthi withsome regret, "You still can’t ask a man out. I’m not westernised but Idon’t see anything wrong in it."

It’s about waiting to exhale. It’s about wanting it and yet not settling forshoddy goods. It’s about being part of a movement without making an effort. It’sabout emancipation at a price. It’s about romance, love, companionship andhappily-ever-after but with lots of hard work, frustration and even loss of hope.It’s about making a relationship work even when none exists. It’s about livingby old values in a new world. It’s about adhering to an ancient institution in achanging environment. It’s about getting married in the 21st century.