Dr R.K. Pachauri

tell you, the blame game has gone too far. The other day, two scientists from the Pretty Preity University, Bulandshahr, accused me of failing to alert the Haiti government of the earthquake that killed thousands on the island state. And all because of a paper I presented last year before the International Panel for Climate Change (IPCC) where I had predicted that the next big quake would be in Juneau, Alaska. “The prediction, based on research by Grade I students of a Cincinnati public school, made its way into an IPCC report and put the authorities in Port au Prince off guard....” Thus spake Professors Gravity Singh and Richter Ramamurthy and the Sunday Telegraph, London, reported their canard at great length. Why, the paper even accused me of triggering a crash in real estate prices in Juneau and capitalising on it by buying a defunct convenience store in the Alaskan capital at a throwaway price. Now, that’s ridiculous because I don’t think much of Juneau or Alaska (who could possibly like a place whose state bird is the Ptarmigan—of the grouse family—and throws up politicians like Sarah Palin?). Anyway, to make a confession, the closest I came to thinking of Alaska was when I was studying in the North Carolina University in the ’70s. A buddy from my old school (La Martiniere, Lucknow) and I thought of opening an ice-cream parlour in Juneau. The idea was that since Alaska is bitterly cold for most part of the year we wouldn’t need a cold storage. But it did not work out as no one was willing to finance us. But, that’s a different story....

Anyway, coming back to the media, I was appalled to read in the Daily Telegraph that I wear armani suits. I’ve already publicly stated that my suits are tailored by Chaddha and Co, Khanna Market, Delhi. And that they do not cost a thousand dollars (just Rs 2,200 only). But how was the paper fooled into thinking that I splurge on designer labels? Well, after wracking my brains for weeks, I think I have solved the mystery. A few years ago, Chaddha & Co employed Anandan Ramasamy Mani, a master tailor from Madurai. Now, Mani always thought his name was too long for anybody’s good and, like those avant-garde Argentinian poets, he also hated punctuation marks. So he wrote his name as ARMANI with no full stops in between. As a result, his suits went with the lapel label ‘created by ARMANI’. I have several suits stitched by Mani and it is quite possible that someone from the Telegraph sneaked into my room and went through my wardrobe. Or they could have bribed my drycleaners for the information. Anyway, that then was the genesis of that expose. Interestingly, I am told that back in Madurai Mani had a good laugh at all the hullabaloo. Finally, before I forget, my sexy, romantic novel Return to Almora is out. So buy it. But keep it on the top shelf, out of reach of the children.

(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)