Katrina Kaif

tell you, Prakash Jha’s Rajneeti (where my role is modelled on Soniaji) has done wonders for my career. In fact, the political storm around the film has led to a flood of offers for similar roles. The strangest one came from Andhra Pradesh—a prominent filmmaker wants me to portray an evil neta (actually a serial killer who bumps off leading characters in TV soaps). Interestingly, when I showed him the synopsis of the script, my beau Abdul Rashid Salim Salman Khan thought the storyline was cute although he didn’t quite approve of the politician murdering her victims by poisoning their dal and rice. “There is too much of serials and cereals for my liking,” he remarked even as he took off his shirt and flexed his biceps. Incidentally, this has become a habit with him (he justifies it saying that like boots are meant for walking, shirts are meant to be taken off). Anyway, that apart, the next day he dropped by and came up with this suggestion: “Can’t they introduce a few black bucks for special effect?” When I passed on the input, I got back a text message: “Madame full movie, including signing amount, will be paid with black bucks from Dubai.” I thought that was really funny although I decided not to waste my time by explaining what Salman actually meant.

That’s when Amar Singh called asking if I was interested in coming on board a film on the Bachchans. He thought I’d be the right choice to play Amitabh while Salman would be cast as Jaya! “This kind of casting will give the film a unique touch. It will be the first time something like this has been attempted. The audience and the entire industry will be in for a big surprise,” he said rather excitedly. “But...” I said, quite taken aback. However, Amar uncle did not allow me to complete my thought, “Don’t worry about your accented Hindi-Shindi. I have thought of that. My film has no dialogue although I have incorporated recordings of phone taps from my collection in the background score.” Well, I said I would think about it and also sound out Salman who, incidentally, declined saying he would rather play Aishwarya Rai’s dining table!

That aside, some Tamil producer is planning a movie on Khushboo’s life and wants to sign me on. He informed me that the picture will be completely shot in New Orleans where he hopes to create a mini Chennai. “But why not shoot in Madras?” I wondered aloud. “Katrinaji, this is a big budget film and there can be no compromise on location. And New Orleans was specifically chosen because, after all, the weather office there named a hurricane after you,” he explained. He then went on to reveal that people in his production house zeroed in on me because I had listed curd rice as my favourite food. “Only people who enjoy eating thayrsaadam can act in Tamil movies,” he added.

Now the final shot: some Congressmen are producing another film on Sonia Gandhi and have offered me the lead role. Title: The Real Rajneeti. Director: Ahmed Patel.

(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)