The Man With A Plan

I am quite bowled over by Sarsangchalak Mohan Rao Bhagwat’s courage, fortitude and vision. At a time when the world has given up on Afghanistan and Pakistan he has predicted that “Pakistan and Afghanistan are part of us and will return one day”. He said so in his latest interview to a TV channel which is now his preferred way of delivering a message to the people of India and the world. 

Mr Bhagwat was steadfast in his belief that “Pakistan is transitory and will become part of India sooner rather than later.” I am quite certain security experts and defence analysts will all land up and knock on his door at Nagpur to learn more about his blue-print for solving the world’s biggest migraine. Given the way things are going in Af-Pak, he seems to be the only man with a plan.

The world strategic community will learn that Mr Bhagwat knows all about leading a small army of men. Years of addressing RSS shakhas specially equips him for tackling the Pathans of that part of the world. They will learn that the Hindu brothers from Nagpur have special skills in handling the sort of bonding that must be driving those gangs of men who have wreaked so much death and destruction in the name of Islam.

It helps that the RSS shakhas are minus women and full time pracharaks bond only with their cause. Those mighty Pathans of Af-Pak too prefer a world where women are largely absent or just a shroud behind a veil. All these men, from Nagpur to Af-Pak, are enlightened enough to know that women have no role in tackling the problems of the world. Women must know their place in the world while men get on with the affairs of God, state and politics.

Here I must qualify that Mr Bhagwat’s troops do worship a notional woman in the form of Bharat Mata and they train some women preachers known as sadhvis. Those manly Pathans of Af-Pak, however, would just whip a woman if she dared to even speak in public. This is pertinent as some of the letter writers who regularly abuse me on this web-site often suggest that I should be packed off to Af-Pak. As most of these letter writers are Hindu hardliners, perhaps they do indeed believe that the mighty men of Af-Pak offer valid solutions?

Mr Bhagwat, however, is a very civil and enlightened man in the pink of health who has taken it upon himself to offer a solution to the world’s most pressing problem. Before his prophesies on Af-Pak come true, he has also apparently decided to fix India’s most troubling political problem. He is said to be engaged in solving the great leadership crisis and state of paralysis in the nation’s premier opposition party, the BJP.

In his latest interview he stated again that “the RSS never interferes in the BJP. We only give advice.” At the same time he appeared to know more about the affairs of the BJP then most members of the party and he informed them that the new leadership will be from outside Delhi and that the process of finding a new leader was in place.

He then said that “the RSS has nothing to do with it. This is an internal matter of the BJP.” The BJP leaders are now interpreting the message. They understand that they must deliberate over the words of a prophet very carefully and then one day, the meaning will be crystal clear and they will see the light. 

Having set the BJP on the righteous path, Mr Bhagwat will then presumably turn his attention to ensuring that “Afghanistan and Pakistan return to us”. He is like Moses holding a staff and crossing the Red Sea and leading the people of Af-Pak to a brave new world. Amen.