The Boobs And Body Parts Fairness Campaign

To the Members of the Federal Communications Commission:

I wholly agree that an inquiry into the carefully-rehearsed, staged exposure of Janet Jackson'ssurgically-enhanced cleavage is of the highest priority for the FCC. In fact, the bluenoses at the JusticeDepartment should impose a heightened alert setting--perhaps Code Red--over this catastrophe.

The horrifying principal evidence in this priority investigation should be played, replayed, and yes,replayed again on all networks for weeks to come, so that the public will know fully of this threat to ourgrave national insecurity over sex. I certainly wish the Federal Communications Commission well in its questto finally cleanse our privatized, media-concentrated airwaves of every disgusting hint at the existence ofwarmth, intimacy and the nonviolent exchange of love between the genders.

But your efforts must go farther, and that's why I'm writing. I'm making a plea on behalf of increased TVcoverage for other parts of the body--specifically, the shredded, mangled, pulped, bloodied, detached limbsand heads of U.S. troops that continue to spew from the dozens of bloody bombings, mortar and rocket attacksin Iraq. These violent detachments and decapitations are never aired. Perhaps a concerted FCC effort towardthe showing of fewer tits and more body bits would help address the FCC's twin goals of affording themedia-consuming American public more choices, even as it diverts their minds from acting upon theirdirty-minded sexual proclivities.

And so, I'm demanding as urgent an investigation into the chronic absence of gaping, bloody, hamburgerizedlimbs and skulls from our TV screens, as has been undertaken into the presence of Janet Jackson's boob onthose same screens. To assist the FCC, I'm placing the full resources of my "Boobs and Body PartsFairness Campaign" at your disposal so that we might get to the bottom (oops, apologies, no sexualinnuendo intended) of this remarkable discrepancy.

Please help: a Red Alert may hang in the balance.

Terry Lodge is a lawyer in Toledo, Ohio.