To those extremists that perpetrated this crime against our nation, I have awarning for you. There are those of us who look at your actions as irrational,twisted, and completely inhuman. By all measures, what you have done can only beseen as insane.
I have news for you. We're more fucking nuts than you, and it should scare youshitless.
You may think that when you die for your cause, you go to Paradise with 72virgins, can leave reservations for 70 members of your family, all your sins areforgiven, and you sit at the side of Allah. Big deal. We had 39 guys who renteda Beverly Hills mansion, cut off their nuts, built a web site, and proceeded topoison themselves to death to hitch a ride with aliens out on the Hale-Boppcomet.
You shoot guns into the sky to celebrate victories over enemies, and people arekilled by the bullets raining down on them. We not only do this for New Year'sEve in some cities, but we burn houses down, tear up streets, loot and sack ourstores, and beat our selves senseless when our sports teams win championships.Sports teams!
Where you won't consume alcohol, we consume it in mass quantities. And then wedrive, fly, bike, and even ski while drunk. When something bad happens, we blamethe guy who sold us the alcohol more than the person who drank it and fucked up.
We, as a nation, consume mountains of Prozac, Zoloft, and other prescriptions todrag our minds and bodies back from the brink of destruction time and timeagain. We also consume more recreational drugs than any other nation on earth,and we do the most crazy shit when we take the stuff. We've got this one guy whowakes up in the wrong houses, flips out constantly, and instead of cleaning himup we yell that we want to see more of him on FOX Prime Time. We fund theefforts to destroy and stop the traffic of these substances across our borders,and yet at the same time we as a nation keep demanding more.
We eat whole pizzas with a single diet Coke and think we're eating healthy.Taking a single pill from GNC that can cause heart attacks, psychosis, strokes,and even death just so we can metabolize that pizza faster makes it evenhealthier. And then, despite countless numbers of starving people throughout theworld that could have used the food besides us, we go to the bathroom and pukeit all up just to stay thin.
We made a sequel to Police Academy 5.
We collect mountains and mountains of evidence against O.J. Simpson, a man whocommitted a double stabbing murder, and we won't use a lick of it because a copwas making a screenplay about a racist cop, and we let him go free. On the otherhand, we lose mountains and mountains of evidence against Timothy McVeigh andstill go ahead and kill the guy anyway. (Okay, so we still had enough evidenceto kill him. My bad.)
We manage to send guys with cameras out to interview you in your secrethideouts, and yet our armed forces can't figure out where to fly the missilesjust yet.
We gave an award for singing to two guys who never even sang.
We turn the lights off in some of the largest cities in our most popular statebecause the electric companies can't pay for electricity and don't have anypower plants of their own anymore.
We think that a simple button on a web site that says "Do not click ifyou're under 21" will do anything but cause a person under 21 to click onit.
We take a large chunk of the island on which those buildings you destroyed satand pretend that it isn't a part of our country after all, let people fly in toour airports that we want to kill, drive them in limousines to speak against uson this "pretend territory" land, let them drive back to our airport,and let them fly them back home without a scratch.
We sell hot dogs in packages of ten and the buns in packages of eight.
We can't even decide if pitchers should have to bat for themselves or not. Allthose baseball fields we've got… none of them are even remotely the same size.
We think Elvis is still alive.
We put our money into dot-com businesses that have no imaginable source ofrevenue whatsoever, and then scream when their stock values plummet to zero inthe frenzy of sudden realization. We lay off thousands upon thousands of workersbecause it is good for the bottom line and stockholders, when it's the bosseswho are the real stockholders with options for even more stock.
We gave millions of dollars to a guy that told us that God was going to kill himif he didn't raise enough money. When he didn't get enough money, he didn't die.So we gave him more money in celebration of the fact that God didn't make himdie.
We've managed to keep the formulas for Coca-Cola and Kentucky Fried Chickensecret for decades, we encrypt the most banal communications on our InformationSuperhighway, and yet we given away our most important nuclear secrets to theChinese and Russians at the drop of a hat.
We, in the aftermath of your own heinous acts, are calling hoax bomb scaresagainst ourselves and watching people run and flee in terror, and we are postingludicrous names and false information to survivor web sites.
We shot John Lennon six times and didn't even aim for Yoko Ono.
We tell our elected officials that cigarettes don't cause cancer, violence ontelevision doesn't cause imprinting behaviors of violence in children,radiation-spewing handheld devices don't cause brain cancer, and that the sameairport security you walked through like tissue paper was completely safe andsecure.
We put Braille on drive-up automatic teller machines.
We make a big fuss over recycling our bottles, cans, paper, and glass into HappyMeal toys that wind up in the landfills, anyway. All we've done is changed theshape of our trash to fuck our environment.
In the face of economic hardship, we give ourselves each a $300 check despiteknowing that we're going to have to cash it for far, far more in the next budgetyear. This is the same government that shut itself down for no apparent reasonthan a few pieces of paper didn't get signed by a guy who got elected by playingthe saxophone on national television.
We have a rousing success of a play on Broadway about a play off-Broadway aboutHitler that's supposed to bomb, but it succeeds, so it's a failure. Oh, and itwas written by a Jew who often played Hitler in movies.
We are even so nuts and ruthless enough as a nation to start insanely tearing atthose of ourselves that even remotely resemble you in such rancorous,deplorable, and angry ways that will make you wonder if Allah has enough glue topiece enough of you back together for a flesh paperweight in Paradise.
Hell, we're so nuts we even taught you how to fly the planes. If you believe theanalysis by Jane's (link provided below), we even gathered you up, gave youweapons, organized you, trained you, and then watched as your violence spreadacross the underbelly of the Soviet Union.
And yet, with all this on the A-1 Psycho balance sheet, you still think you'remore nuts than us that this won't result in your complete and utterannihilation? One way or another, your way of life will be over, period.
You'd think with all this, there'd be more of us in asylums and treatmentcenters, but the truth is in the past decade or so we've been kicking theextremely insane people out of those places and turning them away when they seeklong-term treatment. Instead, the vast majority of us still roam the streets,free to be nuts in all new ways if we want to be. Freedom's kind of a crazy,kooky, nutty thing when you look really close at it and all the bizarre andloony things that can result from it, but it's better than any other ideasanybody else has come up with. It's been that way since 1776, and built to lastno matter how insanely we try to screw it up on a daily basis.
We may not know where you are now, but when we do I guarantee you that themajority of our high school children will still have no idea where on the globewhere you are or where you will end up being buried. But we will send themanyway, and we will allow those of them that went into the armed servicesbecause they didn't manage to get into college *still* rain down Hell and fireon your worthless hides. It will all come down on you, because we're nuts enoughto give all four of our branches of military services extremely powerful anddeadly aircraft even though only one of them is actually called the Air Force.
Picking a fight with the most insane nation on Earth with the hope that yourmessage and influence will spread throughout the world, well, that's justdownright stupid.
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Laurence Simon is a former IT Manager living in Houston, TX who is taking abreak from working and pursuing his lifelong dream of writing, losing a fewpounds, and languidly studying for his MCSE. He currently falls somewherebetween kookiness and flakiness on the Crackpot Scale. Every now andthen, somebody likes his stuff so much that they copy it, cut out all the goodbits, take credit for it, and Spam it all over the Internet. People even read iton the radio. Isn't that neat? Yes, he's the original author of the above. Ifyou have a moment, compare the one posted on NealBoortz's web site and the one here and see for yourself which one'sbetter. But he's not mad about it... he's actually happyabout it. When life hands you lemons, juggle them and amuse thepassers-by, he says.
