November 24, 2020
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Insanity

Only A Crazy Person Picks A Fight With Someone Who's Nuts

Freedom's a crazy idea, and we're proud of it. A note to the terrorists behind the hijackings and WTC/Pentagon. (A rant in the style of Dennis Miller.) The original, not the plagiarised version

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Only A Crazy Person Picks A Fight With Someone Who's Nuts
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To those extremists that perpetrated this crime against our nation, I have a warning for you. There are those of us who look at your actions as irrational, twisted, and completely inhuman. By all measures, what you have done can only be seen as insane.

I have news for you. We're more fucking nuts than you, and it should scare you shitless.

You may think that when you die for your cause, you go to Paradise with 72 virgins, can leave reservations for 70 members of your family, all your sins are forgiven, and you sit at the side of Allah. Big deal. We had 39 guys who rented a Beverly Hills mansion, cut off their nuts, built a web site, and proceeded to poison themselves to death to hitch a ride with aliens out on the Hale-Bopp comet.

You shoot guns into the sky to celebrate victories over enemies, and people are killed by the bullets raining down on them. We not only do this for New Year's Eve in some cities, but we burn houses down, tear up streets, loot and sack our stores, and beat our selves senseless when our sports teams win championships. Sports teams!

Where you won't consume alcohol, we consume it in mass quantities. And then we drive, fly, bike, and even ski while drunk. When something bad happens, we blame the guy who sold us the alcohol more than the person who drank it and fucked up.

We, as a nation, consume mountains of Prozac, Zoloft, and other prescriptions to drag our minds and bodies back from the brink of destruction time and time again. We also consume more recreational drugs than any other nation on earth, and we do the most crazy shit when we take the stuff. We've got this one guy who wakes up in the wrong houses, flips out constantly, and instead of cleaning him up we yell that we want to see more of him on FOX Prime Time. We fund the efforts to destroy and stop the traffic of these substances across our borders, and yet at the same time we as a nation keep demanding more.

We eat whole pizzas with a single diet Coke and think we're eating healthy. Taking a single pill from GNC that can cause heart attacks, psychosis, strokes, and even death just so we can metabolize that pizza faster makes it even healthier. And then, despite countless numbers of starving people throughout the world that could have used the food besides us, we go to the bathroom and puke it all up just to stay thin.

We made a sequel to Police Academy 5.

We collect mountains and mountains of evidence against O.J. Simpson, a man who committed a double stabbing murder, and we won't use a lick of it because a cop was making a screenplay about a racist cop, and we let him go free. On the other hand, we lose mountains and mountains of evidence against Timothy McVeigh and still go ahead and kill the guy anyway. (Okay, so we still had enough evidence to kill him. My bad.)

We manage to send guys with cameras out to interview you in your secret hideouts, and yet our armed forces can't figure out where to fly the missiles just yet.

We gave an award for singing to two guys who never even sang.

We turn the lights off in some of the largest cities in our most popular state because the electric companies can't pay for electricity and don't have any power plants of their own anymore.

We think that a simple button on a web site that says "Do not click if you're under 21" will do anything but cause a person under 21 to click on it.

We take a large chunk of the island on which those buildings you destroyed sat and pretend that it isn't a part of our country after all, let people fly in to our airports that we want to kill, drive them in limousines to speak against us on this "pretend territory" land, let them drive back to our airport, and let them fly them back home without a scratch.

We sell hot dogs in packages of ten and the buns in packages of eight.

We can't even decide if pitchers should have to bat for themselves or not. All those baseball fields we've got… none of them are even remotely the same size.

We think Elvis is still alive.

We put our money into dot-com businesses that have no imaginable source of revenue whatsoever, and then scream when their stock values plummet to zero in the frenzy of sudden realization. We lay off thousands upon thousands of workers because it is good for the bottom line and stockholders, when it's the bosses who are the real stockholders with options for even more stock.

We gave millions of dollars to a guy that told us that God was going to kill him if he didn't raise enough money. When he didn't get enough money, he didn't die. So we gave him more money in celebration of the fact that God didn't make him die.

We've managed to keep the formulas for Coca-Cola and Kentucky Fried Chicken secret for decades, we encrypt the most banal communications on our Information Superhighway, and yet we given away our most important nuclear secrets to the Chinese and Russians at the drop of a hat.

We, in the aftermath of your own heinous acts, are calling hoax bomb scares against ourselves and watching people run and flee in terror, and we are posting ludicrous names and false information to survivor web sites.

We shot John Lennon six times and didn't even aim for Yoko Ono.

We tell our elected officials that cigarettes don't cause cancer, violence on television doesn't cause imprinting behaviors of violence in children, radiation-spewing handheld devices don't cause brain cancer, and that the same airport security you walked through like tissue paper was completely safe and secure.

We put Braille on drive-up automatic teller machines.

We make a big fuss over recycling our bottles, cans, paper, and glass into Happy Meal toys that wind up in the landfills, anyway. All we've done is changed the shape of our trash to fuck our environment.

In the face of economic hardship, we give ourselves each a $300 check despite knowing that we're going to have to cash it for far, far more in the next budget year. This is the same government that shut itself down for no apparent reason than a few pieces of paper didn't get signed by a guy who got elected by playing the saxophone on national television.

We have a rousing success of a play on Broadway about a play off-Broadway about Hitler that's supposed to bomb, but it succeeds, so it's a failure. Oh, and it was written by a Jew who often played Hitler in movies.

We are even so nuts and ruthless enough as a nation to start insanely tearing at those of ourselves that even remotely resemble you in such rancorous, deplorable, and angry ways that will make you wonder if Allah has enough glue to piece enough of you back together for a flesh paperweight in Paradise.

Hell, we're so nuts we even taught you how to fly the planes. If you believe the analysis by Jane's (link provided below), we even gathered you up, gave you weapons, organized you, trained you, and then watched as your violence spread across the underbelly of the Soviet Union.

And yet, with all this on the A-1 Psycho balance sheet, you still think you're more nuts than us that this won't result in your complete and utter annihilation? One way or another, your way of life will be over, period.

You'd think with all this, there'd be more of us in asylums and treatment centers, but the truth is in the past decade or so we've been kicking the extremely insane people out of those places and turning them away when they seek long-term treatment. Instead, the vast majority of us still roam the streets, free to be nuts in all new ways if we want to be. Freedom's kind of a crazy, kooky, nutty thing when you look really close at it and all the bizarre and loony things that can result from it, but it's better than any other ideas anybody else has come up with. It's been that way since 1776, and built to last no matter how insanely we try to screw it up on a daily basis.

We may not know where you are now, but when we do I guarantee you that the majority of our high school children will still have no idea where on the globe where you are or where you will end up being buried. But we will send them anyway, and we will allow those of them that went into the armed services because they didn't manage to get into college *still* rain down Hell and fire on your worthless hides. It will all come down on you, because we're nuts enough to give all four of our branches of military services extremely powerful and deadly aircraft even though only one of them is actually called the Air Force.

Picking a fight with the most insane nation on Earth with the hope that your message and influence will spread throughout the world, well, that's just downright stupid.


Laurence Simon is a former IT Manager living in Houston, TX who is taking a break from working and pursuing his lifelong dream of writing, losing a few pounds, and languidly studying for his MCSE. He currently falls somewhere between kookiness and flakiness on the Crackpot Scale. Every now and then, somebody likes his stuff so much that they copy it, cut out all the good bits, take credit for it, and Spam it all over the Internet. People even read it on the radio. Isn't that neat? Yes, he's the original author of the above. If you have a moment, compare the one posted on Neal Boortz's web site and the one here and see for yourself which one's better. But he's not mad about it... he's actually happy about it. When life hands you lemons, juggle them and amuse the passers-by, he says.


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