"Government for Gujarati snacks like dhokla, khakhra in canteen menu" screams the headline, jumping at me from the pink pages of a national business daily. Apparently, in a missive from Department of Personnel and Training to all 723 Central government canteens countrywide, a formal advisory has been issued to include these Gujarati delicacies in the daily menu mostly comprising till now oily favourites like samosa and patty, apart from "south Indian snacks" (the all-encompassing coinage that includes bonda, idli-vada, upma etc).
When such a significant policy change emerges directly from a PMO department, it is only natural that opinions are sharply divided. Some cynics, who needlessly bicker habitually, have already wondered whether the sarkar has nothing better to do, like DNA testing of confiscated meat samples suspected to be beef or other national priorities like deporting Greenpeace activists, banning more Ambedkar-Periyar forums and checking Teesta Setalvad's restaurant bills (#despitebeingawoman).
But I, for once, find myself in perfect agreement with a PMO policy directive for a variety of reasons, some of them explained below:
Health is wealth:
With fabulous GDP figures, #achchedin are already here. It is time to focus on individual citizens. What better than to tell them what to eat and how to breathe — pranayams anyway don't mix well with pakodas!
The introduction of "certain healthy, light and nutritious snacks" will boost universal health, thus adding even more wealth to the GDP, making it leap beyond China — they are anyway slated to go downhill, gorging on that sinful chowmein, which, as we know, is the root cause of rapes, eve teasing and loose morals.
My only cause for concern: Dhokla may necessitate some mandatory yoga postures like the pavan-mukt asana — imagine walking into a government office with everyone prone, clutching their knees, pushing them to their bellies, discussing avidly the sort of themes that were chhee-chhee pre-Piku! But, to the cynics who worry about the heavy air that may hang within sarkari offices, all I'll say is — if you can survive the Delhi pollution, how can you worry about offices full of flatulence?
Maximum government, Total governance:
Let's face it — we are lazy sods, mired in apathy about nation, society and self. We need to be told what to do, when and how. Vyakti rahega, tabhi samaj rahega, aur jagrut samaj sey hi desh banata hai! Clearly, for a nation and society to be robust, the individual must be too. A robust body is the very foundation of robust minds and morals. Do you now see the light? Then, stand up for your right!
Hamari sarkaar knows that we need clear, unambiguous messages or else we can easily go astray. As a film-maker, who understands the value of pithy, targeted and jumla-fied communication, here are some of my suggestions:
Bahut hui andey ki maar, ab ki baar khakra-achaar.
Badan kabhi na ho khokhla, jab roz khao dhokla
Bhool jao beef sister, kehtey hain Chief Minister
Be Indian, eat Indian:
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Many fried food addicts seem to react badly to the new policy directive, but I don't take them seriously
To inculcate national pride — asmita and swabhimaan - we must imbibe the true spirit of Swadeshi. Samosa is a foreign food, brought to us during our "1200 years of slavery", by our Turk-Uzbek invaders. Yes, we modified their samsah/ sambosa and replaced the beef keema stuffing with aloo. But potato itself, mittron, is a videshi food, brought to us by our Portuguese invaders just 4-500 years ago, along with the fruit wrongly categorised as a vegetable — the tomato. Samosa with ketchup would then be the ultimate double blasphemy — dhokla is truly a better swadeshi alternative. But that garnish of fried mirchi on top must go, for the green chilly too is a Portuguese gift.
Now is not the time, but another day, we must agitate for a ban on mlechcha foreign foods like the Persian/ Iranian barfi (barf or snow-like, Fudge covered with a silver foil), the Arabic Zalabiya (jalebi), and the Mediterranean Lukmat-al-Qadi (sprinkled with gul-aab, ie, flower/rose water, yaani ki hamara gulab jamun).
It is deeply disturbing to find a samosa and doodh-jalebi breakfast being offered just outside the holy Kashi Vishwanath temple in Benares — a classic case of Arab-Turk-Uzbek foreign invasion that threatens to usurp even our dharm-sanskriti! It is only wise that we wean away all government employees from foreign foods, by bringing dhokla-khakra to them, anytime, anywhere, anyhow.
Khushboo Gujarat ki:
From the Rann of Kutch to Panchmahals, from Surat to Saurashtra, what binds the unique khushboo together is dhokla and farsan, a fact Amitabh Bachchan did not ever acquaint us with in that multi-crore ad campaign that endeared Gujarat and its then Chief Minister to us all. It is believed that the local per capita consumption of besan is at least 5 times the national average, keeping antacid-makers forever interested in Gujarat as their primary market. Also, explorers of alternative energy sources see the region as the biggest source of natural gas, bigger than the KG-basin or other known gas reserves that our successive governments lovingly hand over to their corporate buddies.
The eventual khushboo maybe sulphurous, but what a fantastic range it emanates from — fafda, gathiya, sev and an array of dhoklas — Sandwich, Khatta, Rasia, Cheese, Tricolor, Nylon and Farali plus related variations like Khamman, Khandvi and the urad-based Idada. My decade of filming in Gujarat since 2002 has also involved much inadvertent research into the realm of farsan as well as forays into the long-pending and hitherto unresolved disputes like Surati vs Amdavadi dhokla, some of which I have tried to personally arbitrate in the style of a neutral UN Observer in a conflict zone. I have no shame in admitting my abject failure.
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In conclusion:
Try and imagine a world without dhokla-farsan - a world without the Gujarati trader in it, pursuing profits, government policy and classified files with vigour and ingenuity! No more Bombay Stock Exchange, no Harshad Mehta, no MCX or Jignesh Shah and worst of all — no Reliance Industries (and thus no CNN-IBN, NDTV and host of other TV channels). Tell me — can our GDP do without the Adani Rate of Growth of 48% last year? Can you imagine IPL without the larger than life presence of the Ambani scion? Can India ever be 'shining' sans the 'vibrant' Gujarat?
To the disgruntled 'sickulars', 'aaptards' and the jhlolawala brigades grumbling about the Gujarati khushboo in sarkari canteens, all I will say is — if every key department of the Government of India and the PMO is now manned mostly by officers of the Gujarat cadre, read the masala tea leaves - you must gracefully accept the superiority of everything Gujarati. Stop insisting on diversity and embrace the era of singularity. Turn a blind eye to everything else around you. If corporate India can do it, so can you.
My only peeve — this well-thought out list includes the videshi muffin, a strange recommendation from the PMO's Minister of State Jitendra Singh, described by Wikipedia as a leading diabetician. It may be a massive sugar shot, but perhaps the minister just wants to be sweet. I don't grudge the addition of Mishti Doi to the canteen menu however, especially in view of the Bengali clout in the Rajya Sabha, that burial ground of many a Modi government legislation.
Let me bid you farewell with that world-famous ditty in Gujarat — the LSD song (Laddoo, Samosa and Dhokla), best heard after several satisfying rounds of khamman!
Rakesh Sharma is a 'serious' film-maker.
